forward ever backward never

What a way to live. It’s ironic and quite contradictory to write about how I miss all that was familiar and all that was comfortable and then to turn around and face the idea of “forward ever backward never.” It seems as though I swirl through emotions as fleetingly as the days pass me by. And that’s the thing, the days are passing me by and the last thing I want to feel is regret. Regret for something I didn’t say or consider. Regret for something I didn't think or do. SO! We can rely on the fundamental idea that the only thing you can do—to keep sane—is to move forward and learn… rather than sulk from failures of the past. Soak up knowledge from first hand experience, the best source. Reflect in a positive fashion, revel in music that inspires feeling and thought, walk into the night, strive towards something genuinely worth reaching. Embrace and nurture loving friendships. I know that everything will be okay because right now I am smiling. I am smiling for Hope. Opportunity. Ease of mind. The Future. The Unknown.

missing the familiar

smoking cloves and wandering the streets of davis
baby giraffe and mamma tiger
ARC rockwall
late night AM/PM nacho runs
fluffy doughnuts at 5AM
berry nut trail mix, dried bananas, and made to order sandwiches from the food co-op
pooka and jackson
cube shaped bean bags at danny, alex and alejo's
"whatever it takes!"
"i'll be there" karaoke
mistle toe kisses
"slow dancing in a burning room" and "bitter pill"
moulin rouge sing a longs
sybill
long walks at night with my boo
amtrak ride home
12+ hrs marathons at PJ the library nook
early morning swimming with my beaver and monkey
coffee house coffee, baked goods and oatmeal
biking
delta venus mexican hot chocolate
pink night at little prague
meeting at the fountain
wednesday night yoga and frozen yogurt
drake drive
24hr room
fort-a-palooza
sleeping on the quad
cafe roma
crepeville potatoes
farmers market
tomato harvest
... and best of all sitting under a bus stop with the soul friend and POURING rain on us

ticking off my list

i'm halfway done with the "to do" list i made for myself a little over a month ago. today, i cleanly lead a 5.11 rock climbing route. this is a pretty big step for me! one that breeches more of a mental block than a physical one. i CAN climb 5.11... so therefore i should be able to lead them too. practicing focus, will power, and brain endurance these past few weeks have been fruitful in my climbing endeavors.

what else did i tick off recently? i climbed bear creek spire. i talked to my dad. i haven't had a cigarette in 2 months. i was honest with someone i cared about.

yes, my list is dwindling. but i am still here. i am stagnant. i still feel a little lost. but, i have to realize that this list is just a list. i can't put too much effort into abiding by it, otherwise i'll lose sight as to why i began the list in the first place. if i do it, then i do it. if i don't, then i don't. the process of making the list was the most productive step in the whole "list" hooplah. it sparked me to be creative with aspirations that i don't usually think about. i allowed my brain to open up and really consider what makes me happy and what makes me grow... now, that was an exciting feeling.

a rant- progress aside.

a completely life unrelated rant... that somehow completely relates to life.


i am sitting here in the sticks of nevada waiting for the next day to start so that i can get up early, fix up some morning coffee, pack a lunch and make my way to a massive field of salt cedar. (for those of you who may not know salt cedar is a non-native invasive plant that chokes riversides... the virgin river in this particular case). i will then proceed to crawl into the thick grove. thick enough to say good riddance to sunlight. thick enough to have to throw my pack in ahead of me and crawl through. thick enough to get stuck and curse like hell as leaves fall down my shirt and stray branches stab my cheeks. i get to do all this in 100+ weather too. but i'm not alone. my co-workers feel this strange agony as well. it's not so bad... it's gratifying when you're done. it feels good when it's over. and heck, while you're actually doing it time flies, progress is made, and no one judges you when you break out in an uncontrollable fit of frustration cursing and breaking branches. yelling and growling at the plants that all seem to be acting against you. they're hooking onto your hat so that hair gets pulled. grabbing at your pack so that you can't move. ripping your shirt sleeves. spraying dust into your face so that breathing tastes like dirt. smearing a sweaty, salty, dusty layer of muck into the folds of your neck. it's okay though... to yell. it's okay to be expressive in your frustration. they know. the people you're with might burst into a fit of their own at the drop of a hat. it's all understood. and that's the beauty of it... when else can you yell "WHAT THE FUCK YOU MOTHER FUCKING COCK SUCKING PIECE OF SHIT BRANCH GOD DAMMNIT!" and have: one- someone understand completely what is wrong and leave you to revel in your own pile of stink, and two- the feeling of frustration dissipate as soon as you are done yelling and able to crawl on.

and then...

the sun is shining in the western skies, 500 some odd meters sampled and surveyed, 7 give or take a few freak outs later and you're done (for this 24 hour cycle at least). relaxing in the river. basking in the truck's AC. gorging on some ice cream. or just sitting and doing nothing on the deck. it's strange how doing something you think is extremely ridiculous can bring upon the simple feeling of satisfaction. strange, yet beautiful. simple, yet enough.

summer break is over

july and most of august has been a much needed month of respite from whatever was bogging down my mind for the past 6 months. it has been fun and sweet. it has been careless. it has been full of days that don't involve worrying about the future. however, i realize that i have been finding refuge in a fake dream world and to my surprise have neglected the personal, meaningful aspects of life. tonight, i've decided, is the end of my brains summer vacation. it is now time to listen to my conscience, put things back into perspective, and make some sense of myself.

i will go back out into the field optimistically (because that's the only way to get through doing something you loathe). i will get dirty, and i will thankfully reacquaint myself with the desert... because ultimately the desert has an overwhelming way of giving you a sense of freedom.

picking your battles

it is very challenging to separate and distinguish what to care about, what to let go, what to change and what to keep. it's easy and almost comforting to believe that things "happen for a reason" and instead of being proactive we can just let things happen to us. on a shallow level i do believe it, fate does in fact have a way of teaching us and making us change. however, things happen for a reason because we make them happen. simply, i am living the life that i am because i chose it and i can very well pick a different path to follow. with this mind set shouldn't it be easy to choose something as simple as happiness? shouldn't it be easy to get over petty problems and free yourself from negative thoughts? if so... then why do i dwell on the past, something that can not be changed, or dwell on the present, something that should just be accepted?

lately, i've been picking the wrong battles. i have created internal battles that are not helpful and more toxic than anything. it is time to change that and i am trying to figure out how. i love living here but it could be as complicated as leaving this place, leaving my comfort zone once again and seeking a way to do something worthy. or as simple as settling here... probably not.

it's may already?

time has flown by incredibly fast. the evenings of feeling miserably cold and huddling by the heater have gone, for now. the afternoons of desperately trying to climb while chasing the sun no longer exist. i have almost come full circle since moving here last june. it's hot again :) AND... it has been almost a year! a year since my life switched from school to "real life." however, i find it incredibly difficult to believe that "real life" is this life.

well, what is new? i'm feeling like a true desert rat, that's for sure. unfortunately, the feeling doesn't come from spending months climbing sand stone cracks and desert towers but from spending about 95% of my time sleeping in sand, dodging yuccas, plucking cholla spines out of my legs, keying out half dead water deprived flora, wearing 8 layers of sun block, damning the sun and wind, dreaming about ice cold water, putting on crusty socks every morning... the list goes on. and the other 5% of my life is devoted to climbing as much as possible in the eastern sierra and the unassuming mojave desert. BUT... alas! work has peeled me away from regular climbing and spending time in a place that i have grown to love... err... really like.

i wrote last summer that the smells here in bishop were not familiar. they were sweet and inviting, but not yet something that sparked a warm sense of comfort. it took almost a year, but i think i've found it. i think i've found a place that, if i had to, could stay for a while.

music in the living room

a harmonica pierces through the living room and a shaker shakes... guitars resonate through my ears and i'm sitting back. relaxing. feeling warm and happy. it's sunny outside, i'm going climbing, i had my morning coffee, it's my day off... i can't really ask for more. my job is the shaker... hah. but i'm slacking right now so that i can remember this moment, keep it and lock it away. it's a simple thing really. that's the beauty of it. it just starts. someone picks up the guitar. someone whips out a harmonica from their back pocket. someone places a shaker in my hand. someone stomps their feet on the ground. someones starts to hum. then, people start to smile.

the desert is the best teacher there is

some wise words courtesy of paulo coelho... i have found these quotes to be inspiring and quite intriguing. it's appropriate that i'm in this stage of life; a time to learn, a time to sit back and reflect, a time to look ahead with hope, and a time to enjoy.


"if you can concentrate always on the present, you'll be a happy man. you'll see that there is life in the desert, that there are stars in the heavens... life will be a party for you, a grand festival, because life is the moment we're living right now."


"the desert is the best teacher there is"


"if you pay attention to the present, you can improve upon it. and, if you improve on the present, what comes later will always be better... each day, in itself, brings with it an eternity."


"you will never be able to escape from your heart. so it's better to listen to what it has to say. that way, you'll never have to fear an unanticipated blow."


"there is only one thing that makes a dream impossible to achieve: the fear of failure."


"if there hadn't been a sixth day, man would not exist; copper would always be just copper, and lead just lead."



...good thing i'll be getting close and personal with the desert in the coming months.

i'm going to talk about climbing

i've only been able to climb outside twice since i got back from mexico. it's a shame, really. one of the climbing days was a bad one and the other one was quite awesome. i'm not going to dwell on that particular bad climbing day... they happen. just as the good ones do too.

one big lesson that i took away from climbing in mexico was to believe in myself. i needed a little self confidence to get over the fear of leading (sport that is... trad is another story, another trip, another day). there are routes that i KNOW i can do and i'm learning how to not let my mental block stop me. so this is what i decided to say to myself every time i wanted to or even thought about backing away from a route: "just suck it up and do it already!!!" yes... i sound silly because i end up talking to myself half the time and while climbing, but so far... it's worked. before mexico i was reluctant to lead anything harder than a 5.9. yesterday, i onsighted a 10b,c and d! these are humble grades, but to me they represent a step in the right direction. up.

i'm jonesing!

jonesing to climb. jonesing to run. to cook. to travel. to be free. to hike. to crochet. to get busy. to climb somewhere new. to climb with someone new. to just freakin climb!

i'm jonesing to write something worthy. i've been trying to write something that is interesting or at least thoughtful and i've had immense writers block. i just spent the last month climbing... and i don't have anything to say? bull shit! i have plenty to say but it just isn't flowing out of me. maybe some pictures? okay...



... climbing is just so much fun...



...and pretty pretty...



...and pretty cool...





... because sunsets and dusk are my favorite time of day...



...activity other than climbing...



... goodbye cerro gordo... i'll see you again...



well, i still feel the blockage of writing. so, i'm going to go read. let tomorrow come smoothly, happen thoughtfully, and leave full.

the obligatory new years resolutions...

1. eat healthier and exercise more! it's a given...what year goes by without this one?
2. be selfless, give a little more
3. make some long term goals for the future and begin to follow them through (haha)
4. learn
5. make the most of everyday

well, the year started off pretty good. a week after christmas day i'm suddenly feeling the sentiment of the "holiday spirit." i could say it's a little too late but really it's not... if i can feel that melancholic familiar warmth on any given day then i should cherish it. i think that it just shows how special relationships with people you love are. it's not the holiday. it's not the winter nights. it's not the presents or the tree... it's the people. as long as you have each other and as long as you appreciate them it can always feel like the holidays. that's what i've learned. i think i'm off to a good start for the new year :)