fear

i meant to type the word "fear" but i typo-ed it out to be "far." and then i meant to write the word "word" but i typed work. four days of driving alone and completely sustained on coffee and old packs of ramen will make a mess of you. a shaky, malnourished, cross eyed mess. or maybe i meant to muse on how "far" i've come, literally and figuratively. and maybe i am yearning for work... who knows? i do. but i just don't know it yet.

to the point of this strange entry (maybe)... on my drive out east i got to see the midwest. i got to smell the cornfields and talk to some genuinely nice however, concerned, folk. i got a lot of the same two questions: "what is a girl from california doing out here?!" and "aren't you afraid?" two very valid questions with two very uncertain answers. firstly, i am in terre haute, IN or pataskala, OH because it is on the way to the Delware. at least that's what i tell them and for the most part it is true. so i guess that particular answer is not uncertain. and secondly, to answer the question regarding fear, yes and no. no at first... but once the question is asked and i let my mind wander i get a little scared. but really, what scared me the most was that this question was on everyones tongue. and most of the time it was one of the first things out of their mouth. i'm poking along the highway, drinking my mickey d's coffee, and camping out... am i doing something that should grant fear? apparently so. it makes me uncomfortable and a little fearful when everyone (and when i say "everyone" i mean the 3 or so people i encounter at a gas station or the campground) is suggesting that it is something that is so common and so obvious.

i guess i took it to heart and to an all too personal of a level. i kept thinking about fear... and i may have over did it. on my drive i went from fearing the dinosaur like giraffes in my dreams that were attacking my car to fearing huge semis zooming by me and spraying my windshield with a blinding sheet of water to fearing the idea of having no plan whatsoever post "mission: east cost." yep... first two probably worth fearing. that last one?.... uhh..

i've thought about it, it being fear. (could you tell?) and i could fear a lot of things... but why waste the energy and thought into it? well, because it is a survival trait. duh! and really, drawing the line between necessary and un-necessary fear is not at all thin. it will be a long time before i can trust river water above my knees and i will drive 10 below the speed limit if i can't see anything. those are black and whites for me. but fearing the future? fearing being alone? or fearing making the wrong decisions? those i think i should be able to do without. but how do you erase that uncertainty? wow, now i'm delving into another heavy word: uncertainty. well, in my world it goes hand in hand with fear. all i know is that there is plenty of negativity associated with fear and uncertainty, but what i fail to keep in mind is that i fear ideas like the future because they are completely open to me! and that is quite the positive thought. my future is not set in stone, i'm not going to be married off like my grand mother or sent to work in the cornfields of middle america. i'm alive, i'm pretty darn happy and i have to ability to change things. if i am scared or uncertain i can change my path or change myself.

i'm glad that i was asked if i was scared by strangers. it makes sense... i'm a young woman traveling by myself in a puny civic. i'm not trying to belittle my sex or anything... it's just a strange sight in pataskala, OH. it reminds me that i can't trust everyone and unfortunatly there are people and things out there to fear, naturally... however it reminds me that i have a very special opportunity. and i am so very lucky to be able to just pick a place on a map and drive to it to see it, be in it, and breathe it. in bishop or boulder or any other vagabond infested place my trip might seem kind of lame... but in pataskala, OH i feel so very far from lame.

"california, i'm coming home"

i was driving on a boulder highway with the windows down and the hot air swishing in and out of my car when my ipod shuffled to joni mitchell's "california." i felt her high pitched young voice sing to me... it was time to go home. it had been 5 months on the road and away from "home." i loved boulder and the rocky mountains were breathtaking (literally), but california was calling. the excitement of peeking over westgard pass to see the sierra was waiting.


re-WIND!
mission: indian creek, mission: oklahoma, and mission: goat farm were all done and over with (at least for this season)... so i decided to go ahead with mission: colorado. i started off with spending a few days in albuquerque unwinding and getting used to society after a month on the farm. i met an amazing woman, kita, on the farm and we quickly became great friends... we spent hours talking and discussing life, people, religion, values etc. finally, i had to leave the comforts of her home and company and i drove through northern new mexico and witnessed the beauty of the jemez mountains during a thunder storm. i made it up to taos and checked out the scene and got some great beta on a lovely camping spot on a ridge just above the rio grande. miles later i ended up at the great sand dunes in colorado, had a nice picnic and headed to boulder!

boulder boulder boulder... not bad i admit! it started off great, i got to spend some time with my good friend britanny and we biked in the pouring rain and watched an amazing fireworks show (happy 4th!). then it rained some more. it rained and rained and rained... at least it felt like it was raining for days. it probably only rained for 2-3 days... so i took the time to explore the flatirons, check out the new climbing gym, cook delicious food, browse the farmers market and get to know the lovely people who let me crash in their abode for two weeks. once the sun started shining i was blessed to be able to climb in boulder canyon, eldorado canyon, dream canyon, flagstaff mtn, and hike around rocky mountain national park!!! highlight climb of the trip: bastille crack and hiking longs peak in rmnp. i even got to do some jigging and funky dancing while in boulder! all in all i got to CLIMB, spend time with good folk with GUMPTION, meet interesting people, and best of all i smiled a lot :):):)

now, back to joni mitchell. back to driving... i left boulder happy and content but with the intention of coming back. i decided to treat myself to a night at some wicked heady hot springs! halfway between boulder and bishop lay mystic hot springs... a lovely, inexpensive little get away in the middle of nowhere utah. i soaked for about 2 minutes when the thunderhead i was watching decided to come right over me. i figured sitting in a metal tub full of hot spring water was a bad idea... so i made friends with some cook chicks at the campground and traded goat cheese for tie dying lessons! we ended up tie dying under a porch, watching the thunderstorm and pouring rain, and listening to the grateful dead... TYPICAL! nonetheless it was a great way to spend my birthday and i walked away with a cool new shirt and new friends!

i arrived in bishop last night and must say it is great to be back, if only for a few days. i realized that being in a familiar place and visiting good friends is healthy for the heart and soul. now i'm back at the black sheep sipping on some coffee and eating the delicious quiche that i've missed so dearly. as per usual i'll probably be here all morning... then it's off to climb. of course :)

and now i leave you with a lovely picture of me and sunny on the summit of longs peak. i think the elevation got to us a bit...

goaties!!!

yum. my shorts were purple and are now brown from who knows what, and i reek of goat shit. BUT! i know that when i walk out of the kitchen and into the barn i will be greeted with big fluffy wagging tails thumping the ground and the sight of momma goats and baby goats cuddling and nuzzling.

i am currently taking a hiatus from climbing and traveling and working on a goat farm. it has been something that i have wanted to do for quite some time now and was not planning until this winter... but an opportunity i could not pass up came and i snatched it. what do we do here on the farm? well, we wake up and drink coffee of course. it's important to start the day off calm, peaceful, and satiating any addictions we might have. in my case it's coffee. then it's off the feed the pigs, feed the bucks, feed the babies, and feed the preggos and new mommas. finally 8 am rolls around and it's time to do the fun and frustrating task of separating the mommas and the babies so that we can proceed to milk milk milk! the babes are crafty little squirmy things that like to run away from you when you want to catch them but love to nibble on your hair, clothes, skin etc... when you just stand there. so after a few hrs of milking it's time to eat again. we eat a lot on this farm. it's part of staying energized, healthy and happy... and i'm beginning to realize that it is those three things that are vital to sending positive vibes in all directions.

anyways, enough mundane prose describing day to day activities. it's much better to experience interactively :)

everyday i think about how much i learn about myself, others, goats, farming, etc... it can be as simple as discovering the healing powers of pinyon trees or as eye opening as the task of cracking open walnut shells. it is when one must sit patiently to separate the shell from the meat of a walnut that one finds appreciation, at least i did. i wanted to put walnuts in with my dinner, out here stuff doesnt come packaged and ready to eat. if you want walnuts you shell them. if you want tortillas you get out the flour and heat up a pan. if you want eggs you go to the barn and put yourself in a chickens shoe and think: "now if i were a chicken hiding eggs where would i put them?" if you want cabbage or tomatoes you grow them. the list goes on... this fact of life out here also makes you work slower and think a bit more about what you are doing. sitting patiently and quietly shelling walnuts is not only going to provide delicious things to put in your mouth but it provides an opportunity to be meditative. you are forced to sit quietly (or not) and let your mind wander wherever it wishes. that is the beauty of it all. the simplicity kills me at how lovely everything symbiotically works! it's a win win in the most beneficial way!

...and at the end of the day i crawl into bed and i am thankful, happy, contently tired, stinky, and smiling... for my dreams have already become taken over by goats!

where am i?

finally, an update! well first off, i no longer live in bishop and i no longer work. so i can scratch that off the subtitle in my blog title.

i also no longer have a place i call home. however, i have been able to call various places my home in the past few months. first, the dirt parking lot of moe's valley in st. george utah... then on the side of the road near weird creepy oil rig pumpy things at joe's valley... and finally creek pasture campground in indian creek. creek pasture was home for a while, enough time to move into and out of three different campsites. Also enough time to get psyched on the creek and finally bored of the creek, "over it" so to speak. well, at least for this season. my body couldn't take it anymore and alas motivation was very low, so where did i end up as soon as i packed up my sandy life? colorado of course. just a few miles to the east and i'm spending quality time with my sunshine monkey (sunny sawyer).

no, unfortunately i did not get to do any climbing. rain and snow were quite bountiful. but i did get my fill of life in the big bad extreeemeee! city of boulder, co. and after about 24 hours i was again "over it." i'll have to give boulder a second chance (come july) but this particular trip was focused on checking out the climbing scene, going shopping at whole foods (i wandered the place for at least two hours) and talking about life in my car with sunny as (ironically) snow and clouds covered us. finally, after my fill of urbanism i left to gleefully and swiftly enter the midwest. culture shock? yes. uncomfortable staring at my asian-ness and caifornia plates? yes. quality time spent with kenyon? yes.

a whole month came and went and so did kenyon, to south africa that is. i considered going but quickly remembered that i initially left bishop to savor solitude and explore THIS country. at times i regret this decision but it is one that i made and can not change. i found a goat farm in new mexico and instantly clicked with the owner of the farm. the interaction and prospect of opportunity presented itself so well i could not pass up the offer... and most importantly i had something to focus on! i had been missing that so dearly and to know that i am actually doing something that i had hoped for when i planned this trip is very gratifying. simply said... milking these goats, eating their bounty and living amongst their junipers will be great. GREAT!

it smells of rain and as i turn around in the coffee shop to look out the window i see glistening streets and rain gently falling. (there goes my plans of evening bouldering). instead i guess i will run. read. eat and sleep. stretch and if it rains hard enough take a shower.

a few paragraphs later i remember that i was supposed to write in my blog about loneliness. i sat amongst some deliciously smelling pine trees this morning and mused about my loneliness and solitude, and out of my fingers came a pretty insightful essay. i guess i will copy it out another day. a few more days of being alone should add a bit more meat to my thoughts. and so i conclude... peace love and happiness to all!

ramblings from a sudden bout of insomnia

it's 1:30am and i am struck with the inability to let my mind rest and sleep.

i can contently say that life has been treating me well as of late. there are no complaints or regrets. it has been less difficult, lately, for me to embrace the ups and downs of every day. i feel like i am swiftly going through the motions of whatever it takes to make it through my last two months in bishop on a positive note. bottom line- i want to get strong. strong in will, strong in heart, strong in body, and strong in mind. new years resolution?... decade resolution?... general life resolution?... gain strength.

today my heart wrenched for a friend. the kind that says: "i ate a papaya so good it made me want to cry." that's the kind of friend i need. the kind i value. the kind i miss.

i want to send out positive vibes and good lovin' so here goes... have peace. have life. and have love.