November 17, 2009
forward ever backward never
What a way to live. It’s ironic and quite contradictory to write about how I miss all that was familiar and all that was comfortable and then to turn around and face the idea of “forward ever backward never.” It seems as though I swirl through emotions as fleetingly as the days pass me by. And that’s the thing, the days are passing me by and the last thing I want to feel is regret. Regret for something I didn’t say or consider. Regret for something I didn't think or do. SO! We can rely on the fundamental idea that the only thing you can do—to keep sane—is to move forward and learn… rather than sulk from failures of the past. Soak up knowledge from first hand experience, the best source. Reflect in a positive fashion, revel in music that inspires feeling and thought, walk into the night, strive towards something genuinely worth reaching. Embrace and nurture loving friendships. I know that everything will be okay because right now I am smiling. I am smiling for Hope. Opportunity. Ease of mind. The Future. The Unknown.
November 16, 2009
missing the familiar
smoking cloves and wandering the streets of davis
baby giraffe and mamma tiger
ARC rockwall
late night AM/PM nacho runs
fluffy doughnuts at 5AM
berry nut trail mix, dried bananas, and made to order sandwiches from the food co-op
pooka and jackson
cube shaped bean bags at danny, alex and alejo's
"whatever it takes!"
"i'll be there" karaoke
mistle toe kisses
"slow dancing in a burning room" and "bitter pill"
moulin rouge sing a longs
sybill
long walks at night with my boo
amtrak ride home
12+ hrs marathons at PJ the library nook
early morning swimming with my beaver and monkey
coffee house coffee, baked goods and oatmeal
biking
delta venus mexican hot chocolate
pink night at little prague
meeting at the fountain
wednesday night yoga and frozen yogurt
drake drive
24hr room
fort-a-palooza
sleeping on the quad
cafe roma
crepeville potatoes
farmers market
tomato harvest
... and best of all sitting under a bus stop with the soul friend and POURING rain on us
baby giraffe and mamma tiger
ARC rockwall
late night AM/PM nacho runs
fluffy doughnuts at 5AM
berry nut trail mix, dried bananas, and made to order sandwiches from the food co-op
pooka and jackson
cube shaped bean bags at danny, alex and alejo's
"whatever it takes!"
"i'll be there" karaoke
mistle toe kisses
"slow dancing in a burning room" and "bitter pill"
moulin rouge sing a longs
sybill
long walks at night with my boo
amtrak ride home
12+ hrs marathons at PJ the library nook
early morning swimming with my beaver and monkey
coffee house coffee, baked goods and oatmeal
biking
delta venus mexican hot chocolate
pink night at little prague
meeting at the fountain
wednesday night yoga and frozen yogurt
drake drive
24hr room
fort-a-palooza
sleeping on the quad
cafe roma
crepeville potatoes
farmers market
tomato harvest
... and best of all sitting under a bus stop with the soul friend and POURING rain on us
October 3, 2009
ticking off my list
i'm halfway done with the "to do" list i made for myself a little over a month ago. today, i cleanly lead a 5.11 rock climbing route. this is a pretty big step for me! one that breeches more of a mental block than a physical one. i CAN climb 5.11... so therefore i should be able to lead them too. practicing focus, will power, and brain endurance these past few weeks have been fruitful in my climbing endeavors.
what else did i tick off recently? i climbed bear creek spire. i talked to my dad. i haven't had a cigarette in 2 months. i was honest with someone i cared about.
yes, my list is dwindling. but i am still here. i am stagnant. i still feel a little lost. but, i have to realize that this list is just a list. i can't put too much effort into abiding by it, otherwise i'll lose sight as to why i began the list in the first place. if i do it, then i do it. if i don't, then i don't. the process of making the list was the most productive step in the whole "list" hooplah. it sparked me to be creative with aspirations that i don't usually think about. i allowed my brain to open up and really consider what makes me happy and what makes me grow... now, that was an exciting feeling.
what else did i tick off recently? i climbed bear creek spire. i talked to my dad. i haven't had a cigarette in 2 months. i was honest with someone i cared about.
yes, my list is dwindling. but i am still here. i am stagnant. i still feel a little lost. but, i have to realize that this list is just a list. i can't put too much effort into abiding by it, otherwise i'll lose sight as to why i began the list in the first place. if i do it, then i do it. if i don't, then i don't. the process of making the list was the most productive step in the whole "list" hooplah. it sparked me to be creative with aspirations that i don't usually think about. i allowed my brain to open up and really consider what makes me happy and what makes me grow... now, that was an exciting feeling.
September 22, 2009
a rant- progress aside.
a completely life unrelated rant... that somehow completely relates to life.
i am sitting here in the sticks of nevada waiting for the next day to start so that i can get up early, fix up some morning coffee, pack a lunch and make my way to a massive field of salt cedar. (for those of you who may not know salt cedar is a non-native invasive plant that chokes riversides... the virgin river in this particular case). i will then proceed to crawl into the thick grove. thick enough to say good riddance to sunlight. thick enough to have to throw my pack in ahead of me and crawl through. thick enough to get stuck and curse like hell as leaves fall down my shirt and stray branches stab my cheeks. i get to do all this in 100+ weather too. but i'm not alone. my co-workers feel this strange agony as well. it's not so bad... it's gratifying when you're done. it feels good when it's over. and heck, while you're actually doing it time flies, progress is made, and no one judges you when you break out in an uncontrollable fit of frustration cursing and breaking branches. yelling and growling at the plants that all seem to be acting against you. they're hooking onto your hat so that hair gets pulled. grabbing at your pack so that you can't move. ripping your shirt sleeves. spraying dust into your face so that breathing tastes like dirt. smearing a sweaty, salty, dusty layer of muck into the folds of your neck. it's okay though... to yell. it's okay to be expressive in your frustration. they know. the people you're with might burst into a fit of their own at the drop of a hat. it's all understood. and that's the beauty of it... when else can you yell "WHAT THE FUCK YOU MOTHER FUCKING COCK SUCKING PIECE OF SHIT BRANCH GOD DAMMNIT!" and have: one- someone understand completely what is wrong and leave you to revel in your own pile of stink, and two- the feeling of frustration dissipate as soon as you are done yelling and able to crawl on.
and then...
the sun is shining in the western skies, 500 some odd meters sampled and surveyed, 7 give or take a few freak outs later and you're done (for this 24 hour cycle at least). relaxing in the river. basking in the truck's AC. gorging on some ice cream. or just sitting and doing nothing on the deck. it's strange how doing something you think is extremely ridiculous can bring upon the simple feeling of satisfaction. strange, yet beautiful. simple, yet enough.
i am sitting here in the sticks of nevada waiting for the next day to start so that i can get up early, fix up some morning coffee, pack a lunch and make my way to a massive field of salt cedar. (for those of you who may not know salt cedar is a non-native invasive plant that chokes riversides... the virgin river in this particular case). i will then proceed to crawl into the thick grove. thick enough to say good riddance to sunlight. thick enough to have to throw my pack in ahead of me and crawl through. thick enough to get stuck and curse like hell as leaves fall down my shirt and stray branches stab my cheeks. i get to do all this in 100+ weather too. but i'm not alone. my co-workers feel this strange agony as well. it's not so bad... it's gratifying when you're done. it feels good when it's over. and heck, while you're actually doing it time flies, progress is made, and no one judges you when you break out in an uncontrollable fit of frustration cursing and breaking branches. yelling and growling at the plants that all seem to be acting against you. they're hooking onto your hat so that hair gets pulled. grabbing at your pack so that you can't move. ripping your shirt sleeves. spraying dust into your face so that breathing tastes like dirt. smearing a sweaty, salty, dusty layer of muck into the folds of your neck. it's okay though... to yell. it's okay to be expressive in your frustration. they know. the people you're with might burst into a fit of their own at the drop of a hat. it's all understood. and that's the beauty of it... when else can you yell "WHAT THE FUCK YOU MOTHER FUCKING COCK SUCKING PIECE OF SHIT BRANCH GOD DAMMNIT!" and have: one- someone understand completely what is wrong and leave you to revel in your own pile of stink, and two- the feeling of frustration dissipate as soon as you are done yelling and able to crawl on.
and then...
the sun is shining in the western skies, 500 some odd meters sampled and surveyed, 7 give or take a few freak outs later and you're done (for this 24 hour cycle at least). relaxing in the river. basking in the truck's AC. gorging on some ice cream. or just sitting and doing nothing on the deck. it's strange how doing something you think is extremely ridiculous can bring upon the simple feeling of satisfaction. strange, yet beautiful. simple, yet enough.
August 22, 2009
summer break is over
july and most of august has been a much needed month of respite from whatever was bogging down my mind for the past 6 months. it has been fun and sweet. it has been careless. it has been full of days that don't involve worrying about the future. however, i realize that i have been finding refuge in a fake dream world and to my surprise have neglected the personal, meaningful aspects of life. tonight, i've decided, is the end of my brains summer vacation. it is now time to listen to my conscience, put things back into perspective, and make some sense of myself.
i will go back out into the field optimistically (because that's the only way to get through doing something you loathe). i will get dirty, and i will thankfully reacquaint myself with the desert... because ultimately the desert has an overwhelming way of giving you a sense of freedom.
i will go back out into the field optimistically (because that's the only way to get through doing something you loathe). i will get dirty, and i will thankfully reacquaint myself with the desert... because ultimately the desert has an overwhelming way of giving you a sense of freedom.
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