i'm halfway done with the "to do" list i made for myself a little over a month ago. today, i cleanly lead a 5.11 rock climbing route. this is a pretty big step for me! one that breeches more of a mental block than a physical one. i CAN climb 5.11... so therefore i should be able to lead them too. practicing focus, will power, and brain endurance these past few weeks have been fruitful in my climbing endeavors.
what else did i tick off recently? i climbed bear creek spire. i talked to my dad. i haven't had a cigarette in 2 months. i was honest with someone i cared about.
yes, my list is dwindling. but i am still here. i am stagnant. i still feel a little lost. but, i have to realize that this list is just a list. i can't put too much effort into abiding by it, otherwise i'll lose sight as to why i began the list in the first place. if i do it, then i do it. if i don't, then i don't. the process of making the list was the most productive step in the whole "list" hooplah. it sparked me to be creative with aspirations that i don't usually think about. i allowed my brain to open up and really consider what makes me happy and what makes me grow... now, that was an exciting feeling.
October 3, 2009
September 22, 2009
a rant- progress aside.
a completely life unrelated rant... that somehow completely relates to life.
i am sitting here in the sticks of nevada waiting for the next day to start so that i can get up early, fix up some morning coffee, pack a lunch and make my way to a massive field of salt cedar. (for those of you who may not know salt cedar is a non-native invasive plant that chokes riversides... the virgin river in this particular case). i will then proceed to crawl into the thick grove. thick enough to say good riddance to sunlight. thick enough to have to throw my pack in ahead of me and crawl through. thick enough to get stuck and curse like hell as leaves fall down my shirt and stray branches stab my cheeks. i get to do all this in 100+ weather too. but i'm not alone. my co-workers feel this strange agony as well. it's not so bad... it's gratifying when you're done. it feels good when it's over. and heck, while you're actually doing it time flies, progress is made, and no one judges you when you break out in an uncontrollable fit of frustration cursing and breaking branches. yelling and growling at the plants that all seem to be acting against you. they're hooking onto your hat so that hair gets pulled. grabbing at your pack so that you can't move. ripping your shirt sleeves. spraying dust into your face so that breathing tastes like dirt. smearing a sweaty, salty, dusty layer of muck into the folds of your neck. it's okay though... to yell. it's okay to be expressive in your frustration. they know. the people you're with might burst into a fit of their own at the drop of a hat. it's all understood. and that's the beauty of it... when else can you yell "WHAT THE FUCK YOU MOTHER FUCKING COCK SUCKING PIECE OF SHIT BRANCH GOD DAMMNIT!" and have: one- someone understand completely what is wrong and leave you to revel in your own pile of stink, and two- the feeling of frustration dissipate as soon as you are done yelling and able to crawl on.
and then...
the sun is shining in the western skies, 500 some odd meters sampled and surveyed, 7 give or take a few freak outs later and you're done (for this 24 hour cycle at least). relaxing in the river. basking in the truck's AC. gorging on some ice cream. or just sitting and doing nothing on the deck. it's strange how doing something you think is extremely ridiculous can bring upon the simple feeling of satisfaction. strange, yet beautiful. simple, yet enough.
i am sitting here in the sticks of nevada waiting for the next day to start so that i can get up early, fix up some morning coffee, pack a lunch and make my way to a massive field of salt cedar. (for those of you who may not know salt cedar is a non-native invasive plant that chokes riversides... the virgin river in this particular case). i will then proceed to crawl into the thick grove. thick enough to say good riddance to sunlight. thick enough to have to throw my pack in ahead of me and crawl through. thick enough to get stuck and curse like hell as leaves fall down my shirt and stray branches stab my cheeks. i get to do all this in 100+ weather too. but i'm not alone. my co-workers feel this strange agony as well. it's not so bad... it's gratifying when you're done. it feels good when it's over. and heck, while you're actually doing it time flies, progress is made, and no one judges you when you break out in an uncontrollable fit of frustration cursing and breaking branches. yelling and growling at the plants that all seem to be acting against you. they're hooking onto your hat so that hair gets pulled. grabbing at your pack so that you can't move. ripping your shirt sleeves. spraying dust into your face so that breathing tastes like dirt. smearing a sweaty, salty, dusty layer of muck into the folds of your neck. it's okay though... to yell. it's okay to be expressive in your frustration. they know. the people you're with might burst into a fit of their own at the drop of a hat. it's all understood. and that's the beauty of it... when else can you yell "WHAT THE FUCK YOU MOTHER FUCKING COCK SUCKING PIECE OF SHIT BRANCH GOD DAMMNIT!" and have: one- someone understand completely what is wrong and leave you to revel in your own pile of stink, and two- the feeling of frustration dissipate as soon as you are done yelling and able to crawl on.
and then...
the sun is shining in the western skies, 500 some odd meters sampled and surveyed, 7 give or take a few freak outs later and you're done (for this 24 hour cycle at least). relaxing in the river. basking in the truck's AC. gorging on some ice cream. or just sitting and doing nothing on the deck. it's strange how doing something you think is extremely ridiculous can bring upon the simple feeling of satisfaction. strange, yet beautiful. simple, yet enough.
August 22, 2009
summer break is over
july and most of august has been a much needed month of respite from whatever was bogging down my mind for the past 6 months. it has been fun and sweet. it has been careless. it has been full of days that don't involve worrying about the future. however, i realize that i have been finding refuge in a fake dream world and to my surprise have neglected the personal, meaningful aspects of life. tonight, i've decided, is the end of my brains summer vacation. it is now time to listen to my conscience, put things back into perspective, and make some sense of myself.
i will go back out into the field optimistically (because that's the only way to get through doing something you loathe). i will get dirty, and i will thankfully reacquaint myself with the desert... because ultimately the desert has an overwhelming way of giving you a sense of freedom.
i will go back out into the field optimistically (because that's the only way to get through doing something you loathe). i will get dirty, and i will thankfully reacquaint myself with the desert... because ultimately the desert has an overwhelming way of giving you a sense of freedom.
June 25, 2009
picking your battles
it is very challenging to separate and distinguish what to care about, what to let go, what to change and what to keep. it's easy and almost comforting to believe that things "happen for a reason" and instead of being proactive we can just let things happen to us. on a shallow level i do believe it, fate does in fact have a way of teaching us and making us change. however, things happen for a reason because we make them happen. simply, i am living the life that i am because i chose it and i can very well pick a different path to follow. with this mind set shouldn't it be easy to choose something as simple as happiness? shouldn't it be easy to get over petty problems and free yourself from negative thoughts? if so... then why do i dwell on the past, something that can not be changed, or dwell on the present, something that should just be accepted?
lately, i've been picking the wrong battles. i have created internal battles that are not helpful and more toxic than anything. it is time to change that and i am trying to figure out how. i love living here but it could be as complicated as leaving this place, leaving my comfort zone once again and seeking a way to do something worthy. or as simple as settling here... probably not.
lately, i've been picking the wrong battles. i have created internal battles that are not helpful and more toxic than anything. it is time to change that and i am trying to figure out how. i love living here but it could be as complicated as leaving this place, leaving my comfort zone once again and seeking a way to do something worthy. or as simple as settling here... probably not.
May 16, 2009
it's may already?
time has flown by incredibly fast. the evenings of feeling miserably cold and huddling by the heater have gone, for now. the afternoons of desperately trying to climb while chasing the sun no longer exist. i have almost come full circle since moving here last june. it's hot again :) AND... it has been almost a year! a year since my life switched from school to "real life." however, i find it incredibly difficult to believe that "real life" is this life.
well, what is new? i'm feeling like a true desert rat, that's for sure. unfortunately, the feeling doesn't come from spending months climbing sand stone cracks and desert towers but from spending about 95% of my time sleeping in sand, dodging yuccas, plucking cholla spines out of my legs, keying out half dead water deprived flora, wearing 8 layers of sun block, damning the sun and wind, dreaming about ice cold water, putting on crusty socks every morning... the list goes on. and the other 5% of my life is devoted to climbing as much as possible in the eastern sierra and the unassuming mojave desert. BUT... alas! work has peeled me away from regular climbing and spending time in a place that i have grown to love... err... really like.
i wrote last summer that the smells here in bishop were not familiar. they were sweet and inviting, but not yet something that sparked a warm sense of comfort. it took almost a year, but i think i've found it. i think i've found a place that, if i had to, could stay for a while.
well, what is new? i'm feeling like a true desert rat, that's for sure. unfortunately, the feeling doesn't come from spending months climbing sand stone cracks and desert towers but from spending about 95% of my time sleeping in sand, dodging yuccas, plucking cholla spines out of my legs, keying out half dead water deprived flora, wearing 8 layers of sun block, damning the sun and wind, dreaming about ice cold water, putting on crusty socks every morning... the list goes on. and the other 5% of my life is devoted to climbing as much as possible in the eastern sierra and the unassuming mojave desert. BUT... alas! work has peeled me away from regular climbing and spending time in a place that i have grown to love... err... really like.
i wrote last summer that the smells here in bishop were not familiar. they were sweet and inviting, but not yet something that sparked a warm sense of comfort. it took almost a year, but i think i've found it. i think i've found a place that, if i had to, could stay for a while.
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