I admittedly have been slacking on keeping a written account of my travels. My last week in Africa was the most inspiring and intriguing in the hospital... and the most memorable. Every day something exciting or tragic happened. Everyday I learned something miraculous about humankind or perseverance. And so, there was little time to sit and write. But I will try to catch up.
Day 15- playing tourist
Today I had a rough day in the clinic and in the labor ward. There was little to do and I suspected because of the rain very few patients came in. So I left early so that I could play tourist with a couple of Swedes. We took a dala dala into Marangu, a village somewhere on "the mountain," and explored the Chagga caves. These caves were home to the Chagga people years ago and provided an interesting insight to how they lived. There are 2 main tribes in the Kilimanjaro area- the Maasai and Chagga. The Maasai are your quintessential Africans draped in red robes carrying a herding staff, known for being fierce lion killers and cattle herders. The Chagga are the peaceful counterpart living in harmony with "the mountain." The two tribes were rivals to say the least. And that folks is your superficial and brief history lesson, less detailed than a quick google search and probably with false information. So after the caves we explored a waterfall and drove to the gates of the Mt. Kilimanjaro National Park. We ended our tourist day sharing a huge jug of banana beer on the side of the road, our taxi driver in his pink disneyland sweater joined us, and eating a delicious meal of bbq meats. Goat included of course.
Day 16- a day in the OR
Before coming to Africa I had this romantic vision of what being a nurse in a maternity ward meant. I imagined groups of women supporting the laboring mom, a natural progression of labor and delivery, and most importantly an environment that embraced natural childbirth. Well, I was wrong. I saw more cesareans than vaginal births. And I saw a cultural disconnect between patient and caregiver.
I watched a tubal ligation during one of the c-sections today... that means she got her tubes tied. This woman was on her 4th c-section and wanted to call it quits. Understandably so. Ironically, this extremely fertile woman had only one obvious ovary and one obvious uterine tube. Dr. Awesome searched and searched and just couldn't find the second set of sex organs. So, he tied up something that may have looked like a uterine tube and called it a day.
I learned a very important thing that day, a physician- at their own discretion- can opt to perform a tubal ligation on his or her patient if they have had more than 3 c-sections. Controversial? Oh, yes. Discuss. This practice is very telling of many things. Ethics, or lack there of. Hierarchy and position of health care providers. Population management. The struggle of... fill in the blank.
Day 17-
During report the nurses and physicians had a lengthy discussion regarding a patient who had decided to leave the hospital against medical advisement (AMA). Something that one of the head nun said struck me- he, the patient, has to truly love himself before we, the healthcare team, can do anything for him. I can't remember the last time I heard a nurse or a health care provider express concern about a patient loving oneself.
Today was a whirlwind of emotions. I was joined by another volunteer, a pre-med student fresh out of high school from Denmark. We walked into a very busy maternity ward and I was immediately drawn to a little bundle wrapped tightly in a kanga laying on one of the newborn warmers. I poked my finger to touch his precious little cheek and my heart dropped. No, it sank. This baby was dead. My first reaction was not something I am particularly proud of but I recoiled. I snapped my finger back feeling like I had just intruded on a secret. I turned to the Danish girl and whispered "that baby is not alive." I didn't know what to do. I wanted to hold it but at this point no one was giving any attention to this bundle. All hands were on deck for two other laboring mothers. We had mom #1 on the left writhing on the delivery table buck naked quietly begging for someone to help her. I, still being in shock about the baby, went to her side and just said the only thing I knew how to say "pole sana," which roughly translated means "I am sorry you're going through this." It is the thing I hear the midwives say the most. And on the right we had mom #2, screaming and refusing to push. It was a scene I had seen before. Midwife, nurse, doctor all at her side yelling at her to push. There was no monitor but it was obvious that with everything happening the baby was probably not faring well. Mom #1 makes some more noise and the doctor decides to check her. Three minutes later baby is crowning and is delivered. Mom #2 continues to refuse to push, yells that she doesn't care about the baby... wishes it were dead. (All of this obviously translated to me after the fact.) Nurse hops up onto the delivery table and straddles mom... pushes with all her might on the fundus. She is pushing with so much force the delivery table is shaking. Midwife is giving an episiotomy. Meanwhile out of the corner of my eye I see someone take the dead baby to the room where they... take out the laundry. And doctor, after having just delivered a baby scooted on over to stand at the end of the delivery table and barked orders. Finally... Finally, the baby is born. He is pale and still. Dr and nurse rush over to the warmer that 5 minutes ago had a lifeless baby on it and commence CPR. "Oxygen!! Oxygen" the doctor yells, it takes two people and about 10 minutes before they get a cannula and tubing that was patent. And what struck me the most was the excruciating lack of urgency. The staff, nurses and doctors, could not find tubing that would work with the oxygen concentrator. It it seemed like no big deal. I stood mortified and terrified for this baby's life. He was so limp. They suctioned, performed chest compressions, and artificially breathed for him for what felt like 45 minutes but was probably only 15. Still, 15 minutes of continuous CPR and I really thought this baby was gone. When he finally cried I was in awe. Did this really just happen? Holy crap. I helped to warm the baby and wrapped him up in a dry kanga... he was so flaccid. He had no tone. But, he was alive. A half hour of some supplemental oxygen later he was slapped on the butt before being delivered to his mother in the recovery room.
The day ended with a c-section. Aside from the poor mother laying naked on the delivery table waiting for the doctor and the OR team for an hour, it was a routine surgery.
Day 18- last day, mostly sad goodbyes.
I did very little today except for say goodbye to everyone and take some pictures.
Day 19-21: travel. travel. travel. home.
An exhausting 45 hour journey home with a 13 hour layover in NYC where I experienced the antithesis of African life.
June 27, 2015
June 2, 2015
Hospital and Safari
Day 8-14
St. Joseph Hospital. Moshi, Tanzania.
My first day at the hospital began with a stomach full of butterflies, but actually every day does. I stumble around not knowing really where I am needed, what needs to be done, and who to work with. Somehow my blue scrubs from the goodwill stand out so vibrantly amongst a sea of brightly colored kangas. I ward off constant staring with a smile, a wave or a "habari" and I'd say 90% of the time I get a smile or a neutral "nzuri." The other 10% are hard blank stares.
Fellow nurses- imagine your first day on the floor not even really knowing how to spike a bag of fluids or where to get a pillow. But, on top of ALL that you can't talk and you are deaf. How the hell are you going to do anything or learn anything. Well, you manage and adapt. I have things like a cheat sheet with very specific Swahili phrases. My worn down paper has phrases like "lie down" or "take one at night" or "PUSH!!." But other than that I have almost zero form of verbal communication. I try to talk with my face, my eyes, my hands. The biggest lesson learned here is how darn important communication is in the healthcare profession. The language barrier between myself, the staff, and the patients is less of a nuisance and more of a road block. The importance of communication has been darn well drilled into my head during nursing school but was just really hammered home during my stay here in Tanzania. I have to admit, I was naive and quite ill-prepared for this.
I spent most of my first day playing with pregnant bellies. Measuring fundal heights, palpating for fetal position and using a fetoscope to measure fetal heart rates. It is simple work but a foundation to caring for preggos. And, it is an amazing thing to connect to a living baby within another person. I almost feel like I am intruding on a special relationship when I listen for the baby's heart beat. I worked with two nurse midwives and saw upwards to 60 patients. I also gave a ton of vaccines to newborn babies and expecting mammas. I'd say that was a solid first day... except for getting lost on the way home. The hospital is about a mile and a half away from my accommodation with a total of three turns, somehow I missed turn #2. I befriended a little school girl named Janet and in exchange for some pocket change she led me to my home. Sweet girl. I walk to and from the hospital every day past houses, motorcycle taxi drivers and a few shops. There is always the same house bustling with 5-6 young toddlers half naked yelling gibberish at me. As soon as he sees me coming one little boy, with out fail, twice a day runs to the edge of his driveway waving his hand screaming "yayayayayayayaya."
The next day was mostly observing. It being my first day in the labor ward and not actually being a midwife AND not being able to talk to anyone led to a day of feeling like a useless pile. So I did what felt natural, I carried babies when I had no idea what else to do. As soon as I walked into the labor ward someone was being carted off to the "theater" for a cesarean section due to prolonged and obstructed labor. This was my first c-section to watch and what a treat for it to be in Africa. One of the more moving moments of my time at St. Joseph's Hospital was when this baby was pulled from the horizontal slit made in a young mother's lower abdomen. Eyes squeezed shut and mouth gaping the baby was silent and for just a little too long. The physician (from here on called Dr. Awesome) picked up the baby and started to stroke him in a downward motion. I, slightly teary eyed and in complete emotional awe, looked at the scrub nurse who was talking me through the operation and interpreting bits of swahili. He said, not yet. Not yet? Don't sigh with relief until you hear the baby cry. A few more moments passed and finally, the first cries of this baby immediately breaks the tension in the room. Dr. Awesome closed his eyes in silent prayer for what was probably only 2 seconds but as I watched him it seemed like eternity. It was such a slight gesture but in my eyes so incredibly moving.
It would be an understatement to say that the health care system and hospitals are different than those of the developed world. I would say try to imagine what health care and hospital wards would look like in the 1950's and put mud and dirt all over everything. No judgment, just observation. It is an antiquated system here speckled with technology and modern practices. The waste produced here is LIGHTYEARS less than that made in an average US hospital. All of the drapes used during surgery are cloth and can be seen drying on a clothesline outside the operating room prior to getting autoclaved. Everything is sterilized and reused, even the nasal cannulas. No one gets a bandaid after a shot. Every glove, every dollop of alcohol sanitizer and every piece of cotton or gauze is used with special care and consciousness. Nothing is wasted as there is little to waste. However, there is a definite disconnect in infection control but a definite lesson to be learned in resourcefulness.
During my time in the labor ward I wondered... with no name tags, no wristbands, how the heck do the nurses and moms know whose baby is whose?? Well, African women live and breath the Kanga- the multi colored cloth one would imagine the quintessential African woman to have wrapped around their body. Kangas are used as clothes, as a receiving blanket, as a carrier for an infant, as a sheet to put over the examination table in the clinic, as a peri pad wadded up placed in their underwear literally 5 minutes after popping out a baby. The kanga and how a woman uses or wears it gives them a way to express themselves and define their personality. And with their newborns? They know exactly what patterned kanga they own... very seldom are two alike. Newborns are swaddled in a matching Kanga to the mother or the grandmother. Ingenious and pretty fool proof I'd say.
Safari- Tarangire National Park and Ngorongoro Conservation Area
My first and only weekend in the Kilimanjaro area consisted of riding in a bumpy jeep, craning my neck to see out the window, standing in a jeep, snapping hundreds of photos, having a good time, and trying to sleep in a bouncy jeep my head bobbing to and fro like never before. I did a two day safari in Tarangire National Park and the Ngorongoro Crater, a collapsed volcano with tall walls encasing a menagerie of animals that seemingly live harmoniously together. I managed to see four of the big five- Lion, Buffalo, Rhino and Elephant. Among many other spectacular creatures. My favorites were the warthogs, giraffes, and zebras. The terrain just looked like where the dinosaurs would have roamed and it was equipped with gigantic beings like rhinos... slowly lumbering, placidly chewing grass. I was lucky enough to view this animal as they are extremely endangered and there are only 26 in the crater. Deeper in the jungle and at higher elevations I drove in the jeep feeling like I had just jumped out of Jurassic Park. A t-rex was just around the corner.
After the first day I did some luxury camping equipped with a five course meal and scotch with scots... although I recently learned that "scotch" is an American butchering of what really is whiskey. I, not really being a drinker, knew none of this and made a fool of myself. I joined a father and son duo from Scotland on the safari trip and had a blast with them. The son was quiet but kind and his father quite cheeky and fun. Both are doctors, the son doing TB research and the father doing primary care visits in the Bush of Zambia.
When someone thinks of a safari I imagine topless jeeps, khaki outfits and telephoto lenses. Well, Scot Sr. nailed it... minus the cheesy safari hat. And surprisingly about 80% of the other safari goers had their all khaki/telephoto camera outfits on too. I had no idea it would be this stereotypical. Nonetheless, standing in a jeep and peering out the top while driving through rough roads and trying to spot animals was extremely fun! It was like a disneyland ride for 8 hours. But, by day two I was done. My back ached from the uncomfortable seats and bumpy ride and I was exhausted. Am I getting old?
Everyone in Africa moves with a sort of grace that is just not seen in the US. The people here move deliberately and purposefully. Women walk along a busy street with 50 pounds of bananas on their heads as cars, buses, and motorcycles rush by. I bring this up because on my jeep ride to Ngorongoro crater at 6AM I saw two african men running. Running... what?? I haven't seen anyone run since I saw a tourist go for a morning run on the beach in Zanzibar. People don't even run when they cross a street and a bus is 5 feet from hitting them. Well it is ironic. The best runners in the US are black... but after two weeks in Africa I finally see someone running. Probably a Kilimanjaro guide.
I'd say my first week at the hospital was a success. I managed to help people but also sit back and observe a lot. There is much to learn from watching. I see what people view are important and what can be let go. I saw babies saved and mothers give birth. I've seen bravery and the tolerance of pain that I have never seen in a US hospital. I've seen women survive the most gruesome births and I've seen midwives use their gentlest touch. Aside from this environment I've seen much of the Tanzanian countryside. From my walks to and from the hospital to driving to the national parks. I've seen majestic animals and just the craziest looking creatures. Huge trees 800 years old and a pride of lions lazily napping in a field of daisies. I have seen children herding goats and old men playing what looks like checkers but probably isn't. I have seen a lot.
I have much more to say about the healthcare system here and about my time in the hospital but this post is long enough and you are probably bored ;)
May 24, 2015
Zanzibar to Moshi
My apologies for the long winded posts :)
Day 4: rest and relaxation. Repeat.
Today didn't amount to much. I slept in, took two hours to eat breakfast, finally got on the internet, laid by the beach and went to the Zanzibar IKEA. I chatted it up with some more locals and got duped into a few souvenirs.
In the evening I joined my new Scottish friend in the most horrifically awkward hotel for dinner. We saved each other from being our respective hotels solo traveler creeper. This romantic getaway hotel was a baffling experience to say the least. Awkward empty tables for 2, random karaoke entertainment, a "Massai show and tell" with a tepid audience. The most disconcerting was the staff who wouldn't stop trying to do things for me. It went beyond good customer service and was a clear reflection of a social divide deeply rooted in human kind. Nonetheless Scotland and I made the best of it, smoking hookah well into the night and discussing our superiority as solo travelers... ironically together.
Day 5: Stone Town.
I made a beach side agreement to utilize the taxi services of Captain Mao. I'll explain... I wanted so badly to not get screwed over with tourist pricing for a taxi back into town. Mister Mao, a Kendwa local just trying to make a living, and I made a deal for a Cheap taxi ride. Caveat... I'd have to share. No biggie, I like sharing. Well morning came and Mister Mao was leading me into an unexpectedly empty taxi and a driver that was not Mister Mao. This could have gone in either direction... Sketch balls or perfectly fine. The first ten minutes of the ride i was deciding my plan on how to best use my pepper spray. By fifteen minutes into the ride we were talking about clove trees and Bruce Lee. Since I'm sitting here happily writing on my tablet you can guess... The ride was Perfectly fine and actually quite great! My game of risk was beneficial two fold. I got to pass the miserable honeymoon couples waiting for the fancy $50 taxi with a very smug grin on my face and I had a great time chatting with my driver! He gave me an impromptu spice tour along the way and stopped to buy me some street food that I've been dying to try. He walked me to my hotel, gave me a Swahili lesson and many fist bumps to say goodbye. Now I am happily basking in my cheap but comfy hotel. Apparently the old house for a Sultan's harem. I'll venture out to the alley ways and explore the richness of stone town.
My wandering in Stone Town amounted to eating the most delicious seafood soup and passion fruit juice ever and chatting it up some more. I appreciate people wanting to practice their English and showing a genuine mutual interest in each others culture and home, but doing this person after person mixed in with predatory "beach boys" and "tourist traps" can be exhausting. After hours of exploring I sat on a long stone bench in Forodhani Gardens and watched people. I watched little boys chase one another with a stick, the littlest one lagging behind and crying. I watched tourists cling to each other as they walked by. I watched an old man watch me.
The evening amounted to eating more seafood- big surprise, and more wandering- big surprise. I walked through street markets with women sitting on the ground selling avocados as big as grapefruits and tables glistening with the days catch... Calamari, octopus, tuna. I waded through the savory smoke of barbecuing mussels and random meats, I bummed an African cigarette from a fisherman. I spilled ginger and lime sugar cane juice all over myself. By the end of the night I smelled like Poseidon's armpit.
Day 6: Stone Town to Kilimanjaro
I am on a flight from Dar Es Salaam to Kilimanjaro. This day has gone surprisingly well considering I had a sleepless night and an awkward morning.
My hotel room was right next to the hotel roof top restaurant. It is more like a room with chairs and a stove. Around 3am someone decided to make some food and invite their friends. By 4am someone decided to get belligerent and shout at the ghosts in the wall. I was glad my door had a good strong lock but needless to say I laid awake moderately terrified passing the hours battling with the one mosquito that made it under my net.
Morning rolled around and I was treated to a breakfast full of local fruits and fried balls of dough. The morning light hit the rooftop terrace just perfectly and my flowy skirt ruffled in the breeze. I feverishly jotted notes in my journal to the hum of chirping birds and a distant radio. It was quite a scene from "eat pray love" and super barfy ;) A little while later, I come to find my trusted hotel keeper... Sweet, quiet, and most important lucid Jerry was the one making all the racket throughout the night. Still quite drunk He stumbled to the breakfast area, interrupted my idyllic eat pray love moment and slurred out some sort of confirmation regarding my taxi to the airport. This put me on edge but Thankfully I had a few hours to confirm my ride with someone who wasn't falling over drunk.
The afternoon came and went. I visited the local museum and learned about the Sultan rule of Zanzibar throughout the 18th, 19th and early 20th century. I ate Palau (sp?) A Zanzibar dish sold from a milk crate a young girl was carrying a top her head. A local bought some so I thought I'd follow suit. It was a delicious rice dish flavored with spices from the island dotted with beef and tomatoes.
I finally arrive in Moshi. The starting point for many to pursue the summit of Kili, but for me the starting point of my nursing endeavor. There were a few hiccups along the way but mostly everything went smoothly. A Zanzibar airport grounds crew member now has a new phone equipped with a charger, a casio watch and some headphones... learned my lesson! I forgot my phone was in my luggage as I haven't been using one and really didn't think anyone would think twice about it. It is a dumb phone from the grocery store... A perfect testament to my absolute ignorance and naivety of being an entitled American.
Day 7: Post this blog, read my book and brush up on my maternity nursing as I start my first shift at the hospital tomorrow!!!
May 21, 2015
Africa!
I haven't had much internet over the past few days, mostly for lack of trying. It seems contradictory to travel allllll the way out here to sit by the Indian ocean and surf the net. So what follows are pieced together ramblings of my first few days in Africa. Sorry, no pictures. You're gonna have to read my incessant blabbering.
Day 1: Arrival in Dar Es Salaam.
I arrived in Dar a hot sweaty mess with a backpack that was clearly overpacked (why do I always do this!?!). My first moment in Tanzania began like all international stories do. I forgot to do something in the states so getting into the country required some hoops, bargaining, and someone taking my passport and sticking a dirty needle in me. Just kidding, sort of ;) Apparently I had to get my yellow fever vaccination in the states before entering Tanzania... every guide book and travel website out there says so. I missed the memo. So, upon arrival a lady in a white coat took my passport and lead me out of the visa line and into a small dark room. She took out a candy tin full of (sterile) needles and some vials, she drew some fluid up and handed me the needle. Through conversation she discovered I was a nurse. I stalled, waiting for an alcohol swab or something... well that never came so she figured she'd move the process along. Poke, done. Welcome to tanzania.
Unfortunately besides my airport doctor's office visit there is little to say about Dar, I slept through most of my stay here. Jet lag and pure exhaustion got the better of me. Except for my taxi ride from the airport. It was then that it hit me like a ton of bricks... I am in Africa. This is a whole new world.
I must say, there is a certain amount of vulnerability in traveling solo. You don't have that buddy to talk to when you're in a taxi or eating a meal. You don't have that second person to confer with when you are navigating the crooked unnamed streets of an exotic place... or that someone who can do the math while you exchange currency so you don't have to multitask conversions while you are counting twenties. BUT, in lieu of all those instances where having a travel buddy could come in hand I feel that I have gained so much more. I have had the most interesting conversations with locals and I have been able to make friends with them. I avoid being in my own little world while on the other side of the world.
Day 2: Zanzibar.
Throughout the night I woke periodically to the hustle and bustle of Dar Es Salaam. Around 3AM there finally came a certain kind of calm that took over the city. It woke slowly here and there with calls to prayer some honking and a few people shouting across the alleyway. I certainly felt as though I was staying at a local hotel as there were no tourists in sight, or at all for that matter. They must have all been at the Hilton. Breakfast was in a purposely kept dark room with seemingly somber men and women waking up to the day. I strapped my super conspicuous backpack to myself and headed out into the city to find the ferry building. Thankfully I had an idea as to where it was so it was fairly easy to find. The hardest part was trying to cross the street.
The ferry between Dar and Zanzibar was indeed an interesting and exciting experience. There was a healthy mix of local black Tanzanians, women in burkas, Muslim families, and adorable children smiling and crawling over their parents. I befriended two gentlemen on the ferry, one a Muslim who taught me how to say "salaam aleikum" and gave me a bottle of mango juice and the other a Tanzanian with big dreams and a churning mind. I learned about the corrupt Tanzanian government and how Tanzania has so many resoures to offer the world. He asked me questions ranging from why is America so powerful to why HIV is so widespread in Africa to how he can raise money so he can fund his farm and open a school for children who have lost their parents to HIV. What an interesting man... And what an amazing dream! I had fleeting thoughts of collaborating with him to return one day with a team to provide care for the children of his orphanage... A medical mission so to speak. Well, he could have been a creep just trying to get money but I had none to give and I want to trust in human kind. I gave him my email address and told him to write me a proposal and we could go from there... Making friends in high places, his farm is at the foot of Mt. Kilimanjaro.
I arrive in Stone Town, Zanzibar and haggle my way to Kendwa... a village on the northern tip of the island. One of the most memorable sights of the ride between Stone Town and Kendwa was seeing three small children dancing around on their porch with their mother/older sister (?) along right beside them. Their smiles and laughter were irrisistable.
After four plane rides, a handful of taxis, a ferry, some haggling, and wandering around I was at last sitting my ass on a tropical beach eating octopus and drinking coconut water. Between chatting with locals and reading my book in the sun I take a dip in the turquoise waters of the Indian Ocean. All the stress of travel and jet lag ended in a magnificent calm.
Day 3: Now that is what a sunburn feels like... Yowza!
Turns out one afternoon of sitting by the beach was enough relaxing to warrant me seeking out some sort of activity for my second day at Kendwa. I ventured out for a day of fighting seasickness, hanging out with some tourists and locals, and snorkeling off the coast of Mnemba Island.
The day previous, I met Moses, a born and raised Kendwa local with a healthy amount of rico suave charm. We chatted on the beach and he sold me on a snorkeling tour. Well, all he had to say was "fresh caught lunch included" and I was already on the boat.
It occurred to me that there would be other tourists on the boat and admittedly so it was something I looked forward to. Meeting people from other countries is an added perk to traveling. Though, so far my most satisfying interactions with people have been with locals. They are genuinely curious and genuinely appreciative of my efforts to speak Swahili with them. However, the solidarity of being a tourist in such an exotic place seemed appealing. I was both right and very wrong.
Traveling alone has offered me the opportunity to do a lot of observing. The general theme of the breach resorts in Zanzibar are "honeymoon paradise for couples that would rather look at their phones" and "entitled white people that can't be bothered to smile." I won't get off my high horse quite yet because... Well that shit bugs me. And unfortunately it is just testament to how inherent racism can be. I'm not saying these people are bad. There is just an element of sensitivity and graciousness that is just lost. At dinner an American girl explained that she wanted her fish seared for exactly 60 seconds on each side to a waiter who clearly spoke very little English. Rather than dropping it she persisted. Finally after a gaggle of staff members came together at their table they figure something out... But c'mon, bitch shoulda sucked it up. Later, I hear her talk about how she pretended to not speak English and how hilarious it was to trick a local. She was a little too proud of herself. And then on the other side of me a table full of South Africans were snapping their damn fingers shouting "garçon" completely oblivious of their assholery. A group of Israeli girls would not smile or even humor a sweet crew member on the snorkel tour, one of them was straight up rude... Thankfully I don't think the gentleman realized. So, needless to say i did not get to know these folks. I'll get off my high horse now.
I have met a small handful of those who don't fall into the categories of unhappy, unsmiling, depressing tourists and for that I am grateful. I met some study abroad kids from Atlanta, GA and a sweet gentleman from Scotland. All were gracious and seemed genuinely excited to be here... Enjoying the island, culture and people. It was a breath of fresh air and made me less irritated with tourists. Ok, now I'm officially off my high horse.
My big snorkeling tour was quite fun but I must say the highlight of my day was at sunset. I laid along the beach and watched a soccer game unfold between the locals. There was so much laughter and energy juxtaposed against the slowness of a fiery sunset, the silhouette of bobbing fishing boats and Massai men sauntering, robes flapping in the wind.
May 14, 2015
in two short days
yes, it has been three long years since i have touched this blog... since i have taken the time to sit and write for anyone to see. i flipped through old posts and revisited 22 year old robyn and 25 year old robyn. now, it feels like a good time to rejuvenate the writer in me and discover the 28 going on 29 year old robyn.
in two short days i will be on a 14 hour flight to AFRICA. the travel bug that once infected me has come back from its dormant slumber. this trip could not have come together at a better time, i am between jobs... nursing student to full fledged nurse. i have worked my butt off over the past year to maintain sanity and secure my nursing degree. now, it is time to enjoy the perfect mixture of relaxation, education, and adventure.
i am traveling to Tanzania and Zanzibar for the next three weeks and i plan to write about my travels on this blog. hopefully i'll keep up unless i am busy getting a tan, eating mounds of seafood, and nursing people. we'll see how it goes...
in two short days i will be on a 14 hour flight to AFRICA. the travel bug that once infected me has come back from its dormant slumber. this trip could not have come together at a better time, i am between jobs... nursing student to full fledged nurse. i have worked my butt off over the past year to maintain sanity and secure my nursing degree. now, it is time to enjoy the perfect mixture of relaxation, education, and adventure.
i am traveling to Tanzania and Zanzibar for the next three weeks and i plan to write about my travels on this blog. hopefully i'll keep up unless i am busy getting a tan, eating mounds of seafood, and nursing people. we'll see how it goes...
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| tonight i sleep soundly next to my little abbie. by tuesday night i will be waking up to this... |
December 9, 2011
the inability to sleep induces this behavior
when i look up from this keyboard, i see a cozy room touched with a few old things, a few new things, and a few familiar things.
when i turn off my radio i hear the hum of my laptop warming my legs as it heats up from overuse, that just means turning on and haphazardly functioning.
when i stop to think about where i am today i feel a flurry of happiness, longing, uneasiness, and unwillingness. happiness comes easily these days. daydreaming is plentiful and finding people to laugh with comes often. longing, because until i find that someone to start the goat farm with me, there will always be a little part of my dream that is on standby. uneasiness and unwillingness come hand in hand, in my case the latter more powerful. the seemingly "big questions" of life, the ones with answers that hold the details of my future, make me uneasy and induce a sense of stubbornness in me. i worry because that's the way i was raised, and i'm stubborn because that's the way i was born. i'm worried that i'm stubborn and i'm stubborn because i don't want to worry. that makes some sense, right?
i just wanted to write tonight, and this confusing jumble of words is what came out. i really am happy and life is treating me quite well! my inspiration to write again came from reading old posts and seeing how i've changed so much and not changed at all.
when i turn off my radio i hear the hum of my laptop warming my legs as it heats up from overuse, that just means turning on and haphazardly functioning.
when i stop to think about where i am today i feel a flurry of happiness, longing, uneasiness, and unwillingness. happiness comes easily these days. daydreaming is plentiful and finding people to laugh with comes often. longing, because until i find that someone to start the goat farm with me, there will always be a little part of my dream that is on standby. uneasiness and unwillingness come hand in hand, in my case the latter more powerful. the seemingly "big questions" of life, the ones with answers that hold the details of my future, make me uneasy and induce a sense of stubbornness in me. i worry because that's the way i was raised, and i'm stubborn because that's the way i was born. i'm worried that i'm stubborn and i'm stubborn because i don't want to worry. that makes some sense, right?
i just wanted to write tonight, and this confusing jumble of words is what came out. i really am happy and life is treating me quite well! my inspiration to write again came from reading old posts and seeing how i've changed so much and not changed at all.
March 30, 2011
a year in review
i like to think that coonridge (goat farm in the middle of nowhere) is my buffer. my quarantine. my halfway house. i've done my stint in canada, the east coast, and all the driving i could ever hope for through the midwest plains. but now, one year after leaving the eastside I find myself hankering for a home. i'm back at coonridge learning how to live in a home and do homey things, like bake bread, so that i can ease my way into settling down (oh, for a year or so... who knows?) in fort collins, co. my mind is buzzing with where i can buy the best rennet and cheese culture, free horse manure from greeley, whole wheat flour for good-for-you bread... relaxing on a PORCH! oh how exciting!
because i never really updated my blog, as i had initially planned, here is my year abbreviated:
i left bishop on march 4th. if any of you know me you'll realize that the "4th" was not my ideal date, however for some reasons i can't even remember i was driving through westgard on the 4th headed to red rocks and beyond. last spring was spent mostly in the high, red colored desert. nevada & utah, specifically. to recover from a battered and exhausted body i spent a month farmin', goatin', growin', cheesin' my way though the confused season of june... (is it spring? is it summer? is it sprummer?) come summer i headed north to squishy, i mean squamish... and landed in coloradie via yellowstone and the tetons. WOW, what a trip... thanks to my sidekick/beaver. (and now i pick up from where i left off on my last blog entry.) finally the season for east coast sandstone arrived and i headed to... (drum roll please) DELAWARE. wtf? ok, so i decided that since goats were so cool i'd try my hand at a sheep farm. well, sheep are cool. but still doesn't beat the character of a stubborn ol' goat. the two lessons i took away from spending a couple of weeks in DE: 1.not all small organic farms are successful and that is a harsh reality, and 2. L$... you are the most adorable, wonderful, free spirited friend! with the sheep curiosity satisfied i needed to head back west. except this time i was singing "country road" by john denver. west virginia = new river gorge = one of my top three favorite places to climb in america. sport chuffing and trad climbing a like, it's all spectacular in the nrg. apparently the bouldering is good too, but i didn't get a chance to try it out. (favorite climb? hands down: the legacy). it was hard to leave, but yes... i had to sacrifice some time to give the red a chance. well, it took a couple of weeks to get used to the red and in the end i can definitely see it's appeal. not bad. but really... besides a handful of stunning lines, at the end of the day i was psyched on miguels pizza. ok, maybe because i don't climb 5.13 i couldn't really appreciate the red. maybe next year. hah. after a month or so of rope climbing i was hankering for some farm action... and oh! how convenient! the hog farm i decided to work on was a mere 45 minutes from the LRC and rocktown. hogs are rude, but tasty, so i appreciate them in their stinky and squealy glory. if you scratch a pig behind their ears they love it... and it makes their meat taste really good ;) i got to spend thanksgiving with a small farming family in georgia... dressing = stuffing, NOT the stuff you put on your salad, btw. tenenssee/georgia was lovely and rocktown is really fun, especially if you like slopey, desperate, mantle top outs. i regrettably never made it to the T-wall... major BUMMER!! but now i have a reason to head back. it started getting cold in the south east and my wimpy californian ass made a bee-line to HUECO! sunny tank top climbing weather lends itself to more smiles and more sending. Hueco was a big deal for me climbing wise, i did my first two V7's and quickly did some 6's and 5's. And now, here I am... one year later... on March 3rd 2011 i headed back to my beloved goats. between all that driving, to and fro, i've been back to the bay and my beloved eastside a handful of times... and regardless of where i decide to lay my ever changing roots i see myself living on the eastside. someday. ok, so that wasn't so abbreviated. woops.
i've been here at coonridge for a few weeks now and will be for another. i haven't climbed much and i'm getting a little more round, but i can bake some tasty bread! life had been revolving around birthing baby goats. i've seen over 40 goats give birth and even helped out on a few. i've smiled, cried, panicked, and just sat back to watch the show. the beauty of birth and the ugly side of dairies exposed itself to me. what happened to all the baby bucks that were born? well, they don't grow up to make milk do they? so they ended up as pig food and choice organ parts were spread out on the table floured and fried up for an afternoon snack. again, if you know me... of course i ate the brains! not bad.
bread is done, time to eat! i leave you with a beautiful photo of banana split, the kid i pulled out and introduced to our world!
because i never really updated my blog, as i had initially planned, here is my year abbreviated:
i left bishop on march 4th. if any of you know me you'll realize that the "4th" was not my ideal date, however for some reasons i can't even remember i was driving through westgard on the 4th headed to red rocks and beyond. last spring was spent mostly in the high, red colored desert. nevada & utah, specifically. to recover from a battered and exhausted body i spent a month farmin', goatin', growin', cheesin' my way though the confused season of june... (is it spring? is it summer? is it sprummer?) come summer i headed north to squishy, i mean squamish... and landed in coloradie via yellowstone and the tetons. WOW, what a trip... thanks to my sidekick/beaver. (and now i pick up from where i left off on my last blog entry.) finally the season for east coast sandstone arrived and i headed to... (drum roll please) DELAWARE. wtf? ok, so i decided that since goats were so cool i'd try my hand at a sheep farm. well, sheep are cool. but still doesn't beat the character of a stubborn ol' goat. the two lessons i took away from spending a couple of weeks in DE: 1.not all small organic farms are successful and that is a harsh reality, and 2. L$... you are the most adorable, wonderful, free spirited friend! with the sheep curiosity satisfied i needed to head back west. except this time i was singing "country road" by john denver. west virginia = new river gorge = one of my top three favorite places to climb in america. sport chuffing and trad climbing a like, it's all spectacular in the nrg. apparently the bouldering is good too, but i didn't get a chance to try it out. (favorite climb? hands down: the legacy). it was hard to leave, but yes... i had to sacrifice some time to give the red a chance. well, it took a couple of weeks to get used to the red and in the end i can definitely see it's appeal. not bad. but really... besides a handful of stunning lines, at the end of the day i was psyched on miguels pizza. ok, maybe because i don't climb 5.13 i couldn't really appreciate the red. maybe next year. hah. after a month or so of rope climbing i was hankering for some farm action... and oh! how convenient! the hog farm i decided to work on was a mere 45 minutes from the LRC and rocktown. hogs are rude, but tasty, so i appreciate them in their stinky and squealy glory. if you scratch a pig behind their ears they love it... and it makes their meat taste really good ;) i got to spend thanksgiving with a small farming family in georgia... dressing = stuffing, NOT the stuff you put on your salad, btw. tenenssee/georgia was lovely and rocktown is really fun, especially if you like slopey, desperate, mantle top outs. i regrettably never made it to the T-wall... major BUMMER!! but now i have a reason to head back. it started getting cold in the south east and my wimpy californian ass made a bee-line to HUECO! sunny tank top climbing weather lends itself to more smiles and more sending. Hueco was a big deal for me climbing wise, i did my first two V7's and quickly did some 6's and 5's. And now, here I am... one year later... on March 3rd 2011 i headed back to my beloved goats. between all that driving, to and fro, i've been back to the bay and my beloved eastside a handful of times... and regardless of where i decide to lay my ever changing roots i see myself living on the eastside. someday. ok, so that wasn't so abbreviated. woops.
i've been here at coonridge for a few weeks now and will be for another. i haven't climbed much and i'm getting a little more round, but i can bake some tasty bread! life had been revolving around birthing baby goats. i've seen over 40 goats give birth and even helped out on a few. i've smiled, cried, panicked, and just sat back to watch the show. the beauty of birth and the ugly side of dairies exposed itself to me. what happened to all the baby bucks that were born? well, they don't grow up to make milk do they? so they ended up as pig food and choice organ parts were spread out on the table floured and fried up for an afternoon snack. again, if you know me... of course i ate the brains! not bad.
bread is done, time to eat! i leave you with a beautiful photo of banana split, the kid i pulled out and introduced to our world!
September 30, 2010
fear
i meant to type the word "fear" but i typo-ed it out to be "far." and then i meant to write the word "word" but i typed work. four days of driving alone and completely sustained on coffee and old packs of ramen will make a mess of you. a shaky, malnourished, cross eyed mess. or maybe i meant to muse on how "far" i've come, literally and figuratively. and maybe i am yearning for work... who knows? i do. but i just don't know it yet.
to the point of this strange entry (maybe)... on my drive out east i got to see the midwest. i got to smell the cornfields and talk to some genuinely nice however, concerned, folk. i got a lot of the same two questions: "what is a girl from california doing out here?!" and "aren't you afraid?" two very valid questions with two very uncertain answers. firstly, i am in terre haute, IN or pataskala, OH because it is on the way to the Delware. at least that's what i tell them and for the most part it is true. so i guess that particular answer is not uncertain. and secondly, to answer the question regarding fear, yes and no. no at first... but once the question is asked and i let my mind wander i get a little scared. but really, what scared me the most was that this question was on everyones tongue. and most of the time it was one of the first things out of their mouth. i'm poking along the highway, drinking my mickey d's coffee, and camping out... am i doing something that should grant fear? apparently so. it makes me uncomfortable and a little fearful when everyone (and when i say "everyone" i mean the 3 or so people i encounter at a gas station or the campground) is suggesting that it is something that is so common and so obvious.
i guess i took it to heart and to an all too personal of a level. i kept thinking about fear... and i may have over did it. on my drive i went from fearing the dinosaur like giraffes in my dreams that were attacking my car to fearing huge semis zooming by me and spraying my windshield with a blinding sheet of water to fearing the idea of having no plan whatsoever post "mission: east cost." yep... first two probably worth fearing. that last one?.... uhh..
i've thought about it, it being fear. (could you tell?) and i could fear a lot of things... but why waste the energy and thought into it? well, because it is a survival trait. duh! and really, drawing the line between necessary and un-necessary fear is not at all thin. it will be a long time before i can trust river water above my knees and i will drive 10 below the speed limit if i can't see anything. those are black and whites for me. but fearing the future? fearing being alone? or fearing making the wrong decisions? those i think i should be able to do without. but how do you erase that uncertainty? wow, now i'm delving into another heavy word: uncertainty. well, in my world it goes hand in hand with fear. all i know is that there is plenty of negativity associated with fear and uncertainty, but what i fail to keep in mind is that i fear ideas like the future because they are completely open to me! and that is quite the positive thought. my future is not set in stone, i'm not going to be married off like my grand mother or sent to work in the cornfields of middle america. i'm alive, i'm pretty darn happy and i have to ability to change things. if i am scared or uncertain i can change my path or change myself.
i'm glad that i was asked if i was scared by strangers. it makes sense... i'm a young woman traveling by myself in a puny civic. i'm not trying to belittle my sex or anything... it's just a strange sight in pataskala, OH. it reminds me that i can't trust everyone and unfortunatly there are people and things out there to fear, naturally... however it reminds me that i have a very special opportunity. and i am so very lucky to be able to just pick a place on a map and drive to it to see it, be in it, and breathe it. in bishop or boulder or any other vagabond infested place my trip might seem kind of lame... but in pataskala, OH i feel so very far from lame.
to the point of this strange entry (maybe)... on my drive out east i got to see the midwest. i got to smell the cornfields and talk to some genuinely nice however, concerned, folk. i got a lot of the same two questions: "what is a girl from california doing out here?!" and "aren't you afraid?" two very valid questions with two very uncertain answers. firstly, i am in terre haute, IN or pataskala, OH because it is on the way to the Delware. at least that's what i tell them and for the most part it is true. so i guess that particular answer is not uncertain. and secondly, to answer the question regarding fear, yes and no. no at first... but once the question is asked and i let my mind wander i get a little scared. but really, what scared me the most was that this question was on everyones tongue. and most of the time it was one of the first things out of their mouth. i'm poking along the highway, drinking my mickey d's coffee, and camping out... am i doing something that should grant fear? apparently so. it makes me uncomfortable and a little fearful when everyone (and when i say "everyone" i mean the 3 or so people i encounter at a gas station or the campground) is suggesting that it is something that is so common and so obvious.
i guess i took it to heart and to an all too personal of a level. i kept thinking about fear... and i may have over did it. on my drive i went from fearing the dinosaur like giraffes in my dreams that were attacking my car to fearing huge semis zooming by me and spraying my windshield with a blinding sheet of water to fearing the idea of having no plan whatsoever post "mission: east cost." yep... first two probably worth fearing. that last one?.... uhh..
i've thought about it, it being fear. (could you tell?) and i could fear a lot of things... but why waste the energy and thought into it? well, because it is a survival trait. duh! and really, drawing the line between necessary and un-necessary fear is not at all thin. it will be a long time before i can trust river water above my knees and i will drive 10 below the speed limit if i can't see anything. those are black and whites for me. but fearing the future? fearing being alone? or fearing making the wrong decisions? those i think i should be able to do without. but how do you erase that uncertainty? wow, now i'm delving into another heavy word: uncertainty. well, in my world it goes hand in hand with fear. all i know is that there is plenty of negativity associated with fear and uncertainty, but what i fail to keep in mind is that i fear ideas like the future because they are completely open to me! and that is quite the positive thought. my future is not set in stone, i'm not going to be married off like my grand mother or sent to work in the cornfields of middle america. i'm alive, i'm pretty darn happy and i have to ability to change things. if i am scared or uncertain i can change my path or change myself.
i'm glad that i was asked if i was scared by strangers. it makes sense... i'm a young woman traveling by myself in a puny civic. i'm not trying to belittle my sex or anything... it's just a strange sight in pataskala, OH. it reminds me that i can't trust everyone and unfortunatly there are people and things out there to fear, naturally... however it reminds me that i have a very special opportunity. and i am so very lucky to be able to just pick a place on a map and drive to it to see it, be in it, and breathe it. in bishop or boulder or any other vagabond infested place my trip might seem kind of lame... but in pataskala, OH i feel so very far from lame.
July 21, 2010
"california, i'm coming home"
i was driving on a boulder highway with the windows down and the hot air swishing in and out of my car when my ipod shuffled to joni mitchell's "california." i felt her high pitched young voice sing to me... it was time to go home. it had been 5 months on the road and away from "home." i loved boulder and the rocky mountains were breathtaking (literally), but california was calling. the excitement of peeking over westgard pass to see the sierra was waiting.
re-WIND!
mission: indian creek, mission: oklahoma, and mission: goat farm were all done and over with (at least for this season)... so i decided to go ahead with mission: colorado. i started off with spending a few days in albuquerque unwinding and getting used to society after a month on the farm. i met an amazing woman, kita, on the farm and we quickly became great friends... we spent hours talking and discussing life, people, religion, values etc. finally, i had to leave the comforts of her home and company and i drove through northern new mexico and witnessed the beauty of the jemez mountains during a thunder storm. i made it up to taos and checked out the scene and got some great beta on a lovely camping spot on a ridge just above the rio grande. miles later i ended up at the great sand dunes in colorado, had a nice picnic and headed to boulder!
boulder boulder boulder... not bad i admit! it started off great, i got to spend some time with my good friend britanny and we biked in the pouring rain and watched an amazing fireworks show (happy 4th!). then it rained some more. it rained and rained and rained... at least it felt like it was raining for days. it probably only rained for 2-3 days... so i took the time to explore the flatirons, check out the new climbing gym, cook delicious food, browse the farmers market and get to know the lovely people who let me crash in their abode for two weeks. once the sun started shining i was blessed to be able to climb in boulder canyon, eldorado canyon, dream canyon, flagstaff mtn, and hike around rocky mountain national park!!! highlight climb of the trip: bastille crack and hiking longs peak in rmnp. i even got to do some jigging and funky dancing while in boulder! all in all i got to CLIMB, spend time with good folk with GUMPTION, meet interesting people, and best of all i smiled a lot :):):)
now, back to joni mitchell. back to driving... i left boulder happy and content but with the intention of coming back. i decided to treat myself to a night at some wicked heady hot springs! halfway between boulder and bishop lay mystic hot springs... a lovely, inexpensive little get away in the middle of nowhere utah. i soaked for about 2 minutes when the thunderhead i was watching decided to come right over me. i figured sitting in a metal tub full of hot spring water was a bad idea... so i made friends with some cook chicks at the campground and traded goat cheese for tie dying lessons! we ended up tie dying under a porch, watching the thunderstorm and pouring rain, and listening to the grateful dead... TYPICAL! nonetheless it was a great way to spend my birthday and i walked away with a cool new shirt and new friends!
i arrived in bishop last night and must say it is great to be back, if only for a few days. i realized that being in a familiar place and visiting good friends is healthy for the heart and soul. now i'm back at the black sheep sipping on some coffee and eating the delicious quiche that i've missed so dearly. as per usual i'll probably be here all morning... then it's off to climb. of course :)
and now i leave you with a lovely picture of me and sunny on the summit of longs peak. i think the elevation got to us a bit...
re-WIND!
mission: indian creek, mission: oklahoma, and mission: goat farm were all done and over with (at least for this season)... so i decided to go ahead with mission: colorado. i started off with spending a few days in albuquerque unwinding and getting used to society after a month on the farm. i met an amazing woman, kita, on the farm and we quickly became great friends... we spent hours talking and discussing life, people, religion, values etc. finally, i had to leave the comforts of her home and company and i drove through northern new mexico and witnessed the beauty of the jemez mountains during a thunder storm. i made it up to taos and checked out the scene and got some great beta on a lovely camping spot on a ridge just above the rio grande. miles later i ended up at the great sand dunes in colorado, had a nice picnic and headed to boulder!
boulder boulder boulder... not bad i admit! it started off great, i got to spend some time with my good friend britanny and we biked in the pouring rain and watched an amazing fireworks show (happy 4th!). then it rained some more. it rained and rained and rained... at least it felt like it was raining for days. it probably only rained for 2-3 days... so i took the time to explore the flatirons, check out the new climbing gym, cook delicious food, browse the farmers market and get to know the lovely people who let me crash in their abode for two weeks. once the sun started shining i was blessed to be able to climb in boulder canyon, eldorado canyon, dream canyon, flagstaff mtn, and hike around rocky mountain national park!!! highlight climb of the trip: bastille crack and hiking longs peak in rmnp. i even got to do some jigging and funky dancing while in boulder! all in all i got to CLIMB, spend time with good folk with GUMPTION, meet interesting people, and best of all i smiled a lot :):):)
now, back to joni mitchell. back to driving... i left boulder happy and content but with the intention of coming back. i decided to treat myself to a night at some wicked heady hot springs! halfway between boulder and bishop lay mystic hot springs... a lovely, inexpensive little get away in the middle of nowhere utah. i soaked for about 2 minutes when the thunderhead i was watching decided to come right over me. i figured sitting in a metal tub full of hot spring water was a bad idea... so i made friends with some cook chicks at the campground and traded goat cheese for tie dying lessons! we ended up tie dying under a porch, watching the thunderstorm and pouring rain, and listening to the grateful dead... TYPICAL! nonetheless it was a great way to spend my birthday and i walked away with a cool new shirt and new friends!
i arrived in bishop last night and must say it is great to be back, if only for a few days. i realized that being in a familiar place and visiting good friends is healthy for the heart and soul. now i'm back at the black sheep sipping on some coffee and eating the delicious quiche that i've missed so dearly. as per usual i'll probably be here all morning... then it's off to climb. of course :)
and now i leave you with a lovely picture of me and sunny on the summit of longs peak. i think the elevation got to us a bit...
June 10, 2010
goaties!!!
yum. my shorts were purple and are now brown from who knows what, and i reek of goat shit. BUT! i know that when i walk out of the kitchen and into the barn i will be greeted with big fluffy wagging tails thumping the ground and the sight of momma goats and baby goats cuddling and nuzzling.
i am currently taking a hiatus from climbing and traveling and working on a goat farm. it has been something that i have wanted to do for quite some time now and was not planning until this winter... but an opportunity i could not pass up came and i snatched it. what do we do here on the farm? well, we wake up and drink coffee of course. it's important to start the day off calm, peaceful, and satiating any addictions we might have. in my case it's coffee. then it's off the feed the pigs, feed the bucks, feed the babies, and feed the preggos and new mommas. finally 8 am rolls around and it's time to do the fun and frustrating task of separating the mommas and the babies so that we can proceed to milk milk milk! the babes are crafty little squirmy things that like to run away from you when you want to catch them but love to nibble on your hair, clothes, skin etc... when you just stand there. so after a few hrs of milking it's time to eat again. we eat a lot on this farm. it's part of staying energized, healthy and happy... and i'm beginning to realize that it is those three things that are vital to sending positive vibes in all directions.
anyways, enough mundane prose describing day to day activities. it's much better to experience interactively :)
everyday i think about how much i learn about myself, others, goats, farming, etc... it can be as simple as discovering the healing powers of pinyon trees or as eye opening as the task of cracking open walnut shells. it is when one must sit patiently to separate the shell from the meat of a walnut that one finds appreciation, at least i did. i wanted to put walnuts in with my dinner, out here stuff doesnt come packaged and ready to eat. if you want walnuts you shell them. if you want tortillas you get out the flour and heat up a pan. if you want eggs you go to the barn and put yourself in a chickens shoe and think: "now if i were a chicken hiding eggs where would i put them?" if you want cabbage or tomatoes you grow them. the list goes on... this fact of life out here also makes you work slower and think a bit more about what you are doing. sitting patiently and quietly shelling walnuts is not only going to provide delicious things to put in your mouth but it provides an opportunity to be meditative. you are forced to sit quietly (or not) and let your mind wander wherever it wishes. that is the beauty of it all. the simplicity kills me at how lovely everything symbiotically works! it's a win win in the most beneficial way!
...and at the end of the day i crawl into bed and i am thankful, happy, contently tired, stinky, and smiling... for my dreams have already become taken over by goats!
i am currently taking a hiatus from climbing and traveling and working on a goat farm. it has been something that i have wanted to do for quite some time now and was not planning until this winter... but an opportunity i could not pass up came and i snatched it. what do we do here on the farm? well, we wake up and drink coffee of course. it's important to start the day off calm, peaceful, and satiating any addictions we might have. in my case it's coffee. then it's off the feed the pigs, feed the bucks, feed the babies, and feed the preggos and new mommas. finally 8 am rolls around and it's time to do the fun and frustrating task of separating the mommas and the babies so that we can proceed to milk milk milk! the babes are crafty little squirmy things that like to run away from you when you want to catch them but love to nibble on your hair, clothes, skin etc... when you just stand there. so after a few hrs of milking it's time to eat again. we eat a lot on this farm. it's part of staying energized, healthy and happy... and i'm beginning to realize that it is those three things that are vital to sending positive vibes in all directions.
anyways, enough mundane prose describing day to day activities. it's much better to experience interactively :)
everyday i think about how much i learn about myself, others, goats, farming, etc... it can be as simple as discovering the healing powers of pinyon trees or as eye opening as the task of cracking open walnut shells. it is when one must sit patiently to separate the shell from the meat of a walnut that one finds appreciation, at least i did. i wanted to put walnuts in with my dinner, out here stuff doesnt come packaged and ready to eat. if you want walnuts you shell them. if you want tortillas you get out the flour and heat up a pan. if you want eggs you go to the barn and put yourself in a chickens shoe and think: "now if i were a chicken hiding eggs where would i put them?" if you want cabbage or tomatoes you grow them. the list goes on... this fact of life out here also makes you work slower and think a bit more about what you are doing. sitting patiently and quietly shelling walnuts is not only going to provide delicious things to put in your mouth but it provides an opportunity to be meditative. you are forced to sit quietly (or not) and let your mind wander wherever it wishes. that is the beauty of it all. the simplicity kills me at how lovely everything symbiotically works! it's a win win in the most beneficial way!
...and at the end of the day i crawl into bed and i am thankful, happy, contently tired, stinky, and smiling... for my dreams have already become taken over by goats!
May 28, 2010
where am i?
finally, an update! well first off, i no longer live in bishop and i no longer work. so i can scratch that off the subtitle in my blog title.
i also no longer have a place i call home. however, i have been able to call various places my home in the past few months. first, the dirt parking lot of moe's valley in st. george utah... then on the side of the road near weird creepy oil rig pumpy things at joe's valley... and finally creek pasture campground in indian creek. creek pasture was home for a while, enough time to move into and out of three different campsites. Also enough time to get psyched on the creek and finally bored of the creek, "over it" so to speak. well, at least for this season. my body couldn't take it anymore and alas motivation was very low, so where did i end up as soon as i packed up my sandy life? colorado of course. just a few miles to the east and i'm spending quality time with my sunshine monkey (sunny sawyer).
no, unfortunately i did not get to do any climbing. rain and snow were quite bountiful. but i did get my fill of life in the big bad extreeemeee! city of boulder, co. and after about 24 hours i was again "over it." i'll have to give boulder a second chance (come july) but this particular trip was focused on checking out the climbing scene, going shopping at whole foods (i wandered the place for at least two hours) and talking about life in my car with sunny as (ironically) snow and clouds covered us. finally, after my fill of urbanism i left to gleefully and swiftly enter the midwest. culture shock? yes. uncomfortable staring at my asian-ness and caifornia plates? yes. quality time spent with kenyon? yes.
a whole month came and went and so did kenyon, to south africa that is. i considered going but quickly remembered that i initially left bishop to savor solitude and explore THIS country. at times i regret this decision but it is one that i made and can not change. i found a goat farm in new mexico and instantly clicked with the owner of the farm. the interaction and prospect of opportunity presented itself so well i could not pass up the offer... and most importantly i had something to focus on! i had been missing that so dearly and to know that i am actually doing something that i had hoped for when i planned this trip is very gratifying. simply said... milking these goats, eating their bounty and living amongst their junipers will be great. GREAT!
it smells of rain and as i turn around in the coffee shop to look out the window i see glistening streets and rain gently falling. (there goes my plans of evening bouldering). instead i guess i will run. read. eat and sleep. stretch and if it rains hard enough take a shower.
a few paragraphs later i remember that i was supposed to write in my blog about loneliness. i sat amongst some deliciously smelling pine trees this morning and mused about my loneliness and solitude, and out of my fingers came a pretty insightful essay. i guess i will copy it out another day. a few more days of being alone should add a bit more meat to my thoughts. and so i conclude... peace love and happiness to all!
i also no longer have a place i call home. however, i have been able to call various places my home in the past few months. first, the dirt parking lot of moe's valley in st. george utah... then on the side of the road near weird creepy oil rig pumpy things at joe's valley... and finally creek pasture campground in indian creek. creek pasture was home for a while, enough time to move into and out of three different campsites. Also enough time to get psyched on the creek and finally bored of the creek, "over it" so to speak. well, at least for this season. my body couldn't take it anymore and alas motivation was very low, so where did i end up as soon as i packed up my sandy life? colorado of course. just a few miles to the east and i'm spending quality time with my sunshine monkey (sunny sawyer).
no, unfortunately i did not get to do any climbing. rain and snow were quite bountiful. but i did get my fill of life in the big bad extreeemeee! city of boulder, co. and after about 24 hours i was again "over it." i'll have to give boulder a second chance (come july) but this particular trip was focused on checking out the climbing scene, going shopping at whole foods (i wandered the place for at least two hours) and talking about life in my car with sunny as (ironically) snow and clouds covered us. finally, after my fill of urbanism i left to gleefully and swiftly enter the midwest. culture shock? yes. uncomfortable staring at my asian-ness and caifornia plates? yes. quality time spent with kenyon? yes.
a whole month came and went and so did kenyon, to south africa that is. i considered going but quickly remembered that i initially left bishop to savor solitude and explore THIS country. at times i regret this decision but it is one that i made and can not change. i found a goat farm in new mexico and instantly clicked with the owner of the farm. the interaction and prospect of opportunity presented itself so well i could not pass up the offer... and most importantly i had something to focus on! i had been missing that so dearly and to know that i am actually doing something that i had hoped for when i planned this trip is very gratifying. simply said... milking these goats, eating their bounty and living amongst their junipers will be great. GREAT!
it smells of rain and as i turn around in the coffee shop to look out the window i see glistening streets and rain gently falling. (there goes my plans of evening bouldering). instead i guess i will run. read. eat and sleep. stretch and if it rains hard enough take a shower.
a few paragraphs later i remember that i was supposed to write in my blog about loneliness. i sat amongst some deliciously smelling pine trees this morning and mused about my loneliness and solitude, and out of my fingers came a pretty insightful essay. i guess i will copy it out another day. a few more days of being alone should add a bit more meat to my thoughts. and so i conclude... peace love and happiness to all!
January 7, 2010
ramblings from a sudden bout of insomnia
it's 1:30am and i am struck with the inability to let my mind rest and sleep.
i can contently say that life has been treating me well as of late. there are no complaints or regrets. it has been less difficult, lately, for me to embrace the ups and downs of every day. i feel like i am swiftly going through the motions of whatever it takes to make it through my last two months in bishop on a positive note. bottom line- i want to get strong. strong in will, strong in heart, strong in body, and strong in mind. new years resolution?... decade resolution?... general life resolution?... gain strength.
today my heart wrenched for a friend. the kind that says: "i ate a papaya so good it made me want to cry." that's the kind of friend i need. the kind i value. the kind i miss.
i want to send out positive vibes and good lovin' so here goes... have peace. have life. and have love.
i can contently say that life has been treating me well as of late. there are no complaints or regrets. it has been less difficult, lately, for me to embrace the ups and downs of every day. i feel like i am swiftly going through the motions of whatever it takes to make it through my last two months in bishop on a positive note. bottom line- i want to get strong. strong in will, strong in heart, strong in body, and strong in mind. new years resolution?... decade resolution?... general life resolution?... gain strength.
today my heart wrenched for a friend. the kind that says: "i ate a papaya so good it made me want to cry." that's the kind of friend i need. the kind i value. the kind i miss.
i want to send out positive vibes and good lovin' so here goes... have peace. have life. and have love.
November 17, 2009
forward ever backward never
What a way to live. It’s ironic and quite contradictory to write about how I miss all that was familiar and all that was comfortable and then to turn around and face the idea of “forward ever backward never.” It seems as though I swirl through emotions as fleetingly as the days pass me by. And that’s the thing, the days are passing me by and the last thing I want to feel is regret. Regret for something I didn’t say or consider. Regret for something I didn't think or do. SO! We can rely on the fundamental idea that the only thing you can do—to keep sane—is to move forward and learn… rather than sulk from failures of the past. Soak up knowledge from first hand experience, the best source. Reflect in a positive fashion, revel in music that inspires feeling and thought, walk into the night, strive towards something genuinely worth reaching. Embrace and nurture loving friendships. I know that everything will be okay because right now I am smiling. I am smiling for Hope. Opportunity. Ease of mind. The Future. The Unknown.
November 16, 2009
missing the familiar
smoking cloves and wandering the streets of davis
baby giraffe and mamma tiger
ARC rockwall
late night AM/PM nacho runs
fluffy doughnuts at 5AM
berry nut trail mix, dried bananas, and made to order sandwiches from the food co-op
pooka and jackson
cube shaped bean bags at danny, alex and alejo's
"whatever it takes!"
"i'll be there" karaoke
mistle toe kisses
"slow dancing in a burning room" and "bitter pill"
moulin rouge sing a longs
sybill
long walks at night with my boo
amtrak ride home
12+ hrs marathons at PJ the library nook
early morning swimming with my beaver and monkey
coffee house coffee, baked goods and oatmeal
biking
delta venus mexican hot chocolate
pink night at little prague
meeting at the fountain
wednesday night yoga and frozen yogurt
drake drive
24hr room
fort-a-palooza
sleeping on the quad
cafe roma
crepeville potatoes
farmers market
tomato harvest
... and best of all sitting under a bus stop with the soul friend and POURING rain on us
baby giraffe and mamma tiger
ARC rockwall
late night AM/PM nacho runs
fluffy doughnuts at 5AM
berry nut trail mix, dried bananas, and made to order sandwiches from the food co-op
pooka and jackson
cube shaped bean bags at danny, alex and alejo's
"whatever it takes!"
"i'll be there" karaoke
mistle toe kisses
"slow dancing in a burning room" and "bitter pill"
moulin rouge sing a longs
sybill
long walks at night with my boo
amtrak ride home
12+ hrs marathons at PJ the library nook
early morning swimming with my beaver and monkey
coffee house coffee, baked goods and oatmeal
biking
delta venus mexican hot chocolate
pink night at little prague
meeting at the fountain
wednesday night yoga and frozen yogurt
drake drive
24hr room
fort-a-palooza
sleeping on the quad
cafe roma
crepeville potatoes
farmers market
tomato harvest
... and best of all sitting under a bus stop with the soul friend and POURING rain on us
October 3, 2009
ticking off my list
i'm halfway done with the "to do" list i made for myself a little over a month ago. today, i cleanly lead a 5.11 rock climbing route. this is a pretty big step for me! one that breeches more of a mental block than a physical one. i CAN climb 5.11... so therefore i should be able to lead them too. practicing focus, will power, and brain endurance these past few weeks have been fruitful in my climbing endeavors.
what else did i tick off recently? i climbed bear creek spire. i talked to my dad. i haven't had a cigarette in 2 months. i was honest with someone i cared about.
yes, my list is dwindling. but i am still here. i am stagnant. i still feel a little lost. but, i have to realize that this list is just a list. i can't put too much effort into abiding by it, otherwise i'll lose sight as to why i began the list in the first place. if i do it, then i do it. if i don't, then i don't. the process of making the list was the most productive step in the whole "list" hooplah. it sparked me to be creative with aspirations that i don't usually think about. i allowed my brain to open up and really consider what makes me happy and what makes me grow... now, that was an exciting feeling.
what else did i tick off recently? i climbed bear creek spire. i talked to my dad. i haven't had a cigarette in 2 months. i was honest with someone i cared about.
yes, my list is dwindling. but i am still here. i am stagnant. i still feel a little lost. but, i have to realize that this list is just a list. i can't put too much effort into abiding by it, otherwise i'll lose sight as to why i began the list in the first place. if i do it, then i do it. if i don't, then i don't. the process of making the list was the most productive step in the whole "list" hooplah. it sparked me to be creative with aspirations that i don't usually think about. i allowed my brain to open up and really consider what makes me happy and what makes me grow... now, that was an exciting feeling.
September 22, 2009
a rant- progress aside.
a completely life unrelated rant... that somehow completely relates to life.
i am sitting here in the sticks of nevada waiting for the next day to start so that i can get up early, fix up some morning coffee, pack a lunch and make my way to a massive field of salt cedar. (for those of you who may not know salt cedar is a non-native invasive plant that chokes riversides... the virgin river in this particular case). i will then proceed to crawl into the thick grove. thick enough to say good riddance to sunlight. thick enough to have to throw my pack in ahead of me and crawl through. thick enough to get stuck and curse like hell as leaves fall down my shirt and stray branches stab my cheeks. i get to do all this in 100+ weather too. but i'm not alone. my co-workers feel this strange agony as well. it's not so bad... it's gratifying when you're done. it feels good when it's over. and heck, while you're actually doing it time flies, progress is made, and no one judges you when you break out in an uncontrollable fit of frustration cursing and breaking branches. yelling and growling at the plants that all seem to be acting against you. they're hooking onto your hat so that hair gets pulled. grabbing at your pack so that you can't move. ripping your shirt sleeves. spraying dust into your face so that breathing tastes like dirt. smearing a sweaty, salty, dusty layer of muck into the folds of your neck. it's okay though... to yell. it's okay to be expressive in your frustration. they know. the people you're with might burst into a fit of their own at the drop of a hat. it's all understood. and that's the beauty of it... when else can you yell "WHAT THE FUCK YOU MOTHER FUCKING COCK SUCKING PIECE OF SHIT BRANCH GOD DAMMNIT!" and have: one- someone understand completely what is wrong and leave you to revel in your own pile of stink, and two- the feeling of frustration dissipate as soon as you are done yelling and able to crawl on.
and then...
the sun is shining in the western skies, 500 some odd meters sampled and surveyed, 7 give or take a few freak outs later and you're done (for this 24 hour cycle at least). relaxing in the river. basking in the truck's AC. gorging on some ice cream. or just sitting and doing nothing on the deck. it's strange how doing something you think is extremely ridiculous can bring upon the simple feeling of satisfaction. strange, yet beautiful. simple, yet enough.
i am sitting here in the sticks of nevada waiting for the next day to start so that i can get up early, fix up some morning coffee, pack a lunch and make my way to a massive field of salt cedar. (for those of you who may not know salt cedar is a non-native invasive plant that chokes riversides... the virgin river in this particular case). i will then proceed to crawl into the thick grove. thick enough to say good riddance to sunlight. thick enough to have to throw my pack in ahead of me and crawl through. thick enough to get stuck and curse like hell as leaves fall down my shirt and stray branches stab my cheeks. i get to do all this in 100+ weather too. but i'm not alone. my co-workers feel this strange agony as well. it's not so bad... it's gratifying when you're done. it feels good when it's over. and heck, while you're actually doing it time flies, progress is made, and no one judges you when you break out in an uncontrollable fit of frustration cursing and breaking branches. yelling and growling at the plants that all seem to be acting against you. they're hooking onto your hat so that hair gets pulled. grabbing at your pack so that you can't move. ripping your shirt sleeves. spraying dust into your face so that breathing tastes like dirt. smearing a sweaty, salty, dusty layer of muck into the folds of your neck. it's okay though... to yell. it's okay to be expressive in your frustration. they know. the people you're with might burst into a fit of their own at the drop of a hat. it's all understood. and that's the beauty of it... when else can you yell "WHAT THE FUCK YOU MOTHER FUCKING COCK SUCKING PIECE OF SHIT BRANCH GOD DAMMNIT!" and have: one- someone understand completely what is wrong and leave you to revel in your own pile of stink, and two- the feeling of frustration dissipate as soon as you are done yelling and able to crawl on.
and then...
the sun is shining in the western skies, 500 some odd meters sampled and surveyed, 7 give or take a few freak outs later and you're done (for this 24 hour cycle at least). relaxing in the river. basking in the truck's AC. gorging on some ice cream. or just sitting and doing nothing on the deck. it's strange how doing something you think is extremely ridiculous can bring upon the simple feeling of satisfaction. strange, yet beautiful. simple, yet enough.
August 22, 2009
summer break is over
july and most of august has been a much needed month of respite from whatever was bogging down my mind for the past 6 months. it has been fun and sweet. it has been careless. it has been full of days that don't involve worrying about the future. however, i realize that i have been finding refuge in a fake dream world and to my surprise have neglected the personal, meaningful aspects of life. tonight, i've decided, is the end of my brains summer vacation. it is now time to listen to my conscience, put things back into perspective, and make some sense of myself.
i will go back out into the field optimistically (because that's the only way to get through doing something you loathe). i will get dirty, and i will thankfully reacquaint myself with the desert... because ultimately the desert has an overwhelming way of giving you a sense of freedom.
i will go back out into the field optimistically (because that's the only way to get through doing something you loathe). i will get dirty, and i will thankfully reacquaint myself with the desert... because ultimately the desert has an overwhelming way of giving you a sense of freedom.
June 25, 2009
picking your battles
it is very challenging to separate and distinguish what to care about, what to let go, what to change and what to keep. it's easy and almost comforting to believe that things "happen for a reason" and instead of being proactive we can just let things happen to us. on a shallow level i do believe it, fate does in fact have a way of teaching us and making us change. however, things happen for a reason because we make them happen. simply, i am living the life that i am because i chose it and i can very well pick a different path to follow. with this mind set shouldn't it be easy to choose something as simple as happiness? shouldn't it be easy to get over petty problems and free yourself from negative thoughts? if so... then why do i dwell on the past, something that can not be changed, or dwell on the present, something that should just be accepted?
lately, i've been picking the wrong battles. i have created internal battles that are not helpful and more toxic than anything. it is time to change that and i am trying to figure out how. i love living here but it could be as complicated as leaving this place, leaving my comfort zone once again and seeking a way to do something worthy. or as simple as settling here... probably not.
lately, i've been picking the wrong battles. i have created internal battles that are not helpful and more toxic than anything. it is time to change that and i am trying to figure out how. i love living here but it could be as complicated as leaving this place, leaving my comfort zone once again and seeking a way to do something worthy. or as simple as settling here... probably not.
May 16, 2009
it's may already?
time has flown by incredibly fast. the evenings of feeling miserably cold and huddling by the heater have gone, for now. the afternoons of desperately trying to climb while chasing the sun no longer exist. i have almost come full circle since moving here last june. it's hot again :) AND... it has been almost a year! a year since my life switched from school to "real life." however, i find it incredibly difficult to believe that "real life" is this life.
well, what is new? i'm feeling like a true desert rat, that's for sure. unfortunately, the feeling doesn't come from spending months climbing sand stone cracks and desert towers but from spending about 95% of my time sleeping in sand, dodging yuccas, plucking cholla spines out of my legs, keying out half dead water deprived flora, wearing 8 layers of sun block, damning the sun and wind, dreaming about ice cold water, putting on crusty socks every morning... the list goes on. and the other 5% of my life is devoted to climbing as much as possible in the eastern sierra and the unassuming mojave desert. BUT... alas! work has peeled me away from regular climbing and spending time in a place that i have grown to love... err... really like.
i wrote last summer that the smells here in bishop were not familiar. they were sweet and inviting, but not yet something that sparked a warm sense of comfort. it took almost a year, but i think i've found it. i think i've found a place that, if i had to, could stay for a while.
well, what is new? i'm feeling like a true desert rat, that's for sure. unfortunately, the feeling doesn't come from spending months climbing sand stone cracks and desert towers but from spending about 95% of my time sleeping in sand, dodging yuccas, plucking cholla spines out of my legs, keying out half dead water deprived flora, wearing 8 layers of sun block, damning the sun and wind, dreaming about ice cold water, putting on crusty socks every morning... the list goes on. and the other 5% of my life is devoted to climbing as much as possible in the eastern sierra and the unassuming mojave desert. BUT... alas! work has peeled me away from regular climbing and spending time in a place that i have grown to love... err... really like.
i wrote last summer that the smells here in bishop were not familiar. they were sweet and inviting, but not yet something that sparked a warm sense of comfort. it took almost a year, but i think i've found it. i think i've found a place that, if i had to, could stay for a while.
March 20, 2009
music in the living room
a harmonica pierces through the living room and a shaker shakes... guitars resonate through my ears and i'm sitting back. relaxing. feeling warm and happy. it's sunny outside, i'm going climbing, i had my morning coffee, it's my day off... i can't really ask for more. my job is the shaker... hah. but i'm slacking right now so that i can remember this moment, keep it and lock it away. it's a simple thing really. that's the beauty of it. it just starts. someone picks up the guitar. someone whips out a harmonica from their back pocket. someone places a shaker in my hand. someone stomps their feet on the ground. someones starts to hum. then, people start to smile.
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