nowhere to go but up!

the inability to sleep induces this behavior

2011-12-09T00:25:00.000-08:00

when i look up from this keyboard, i see a cozy room touched with a few old things, a few new things, and a few familiar things.

when i turn off my radio i hear the hum of my laptop warming my legs as it heats up from overuse, that just means turning on and haphazardly functioning.

when i stop to think about where i am today i feel a flurry of happiness, longing, uneasiness, and unwillingness. happiness comes easily these days. daydreaming is plentiful and finding people to laugh with comes often. longing, because until i find that someone to start the goat farm with me, there will always be a little part of my dream that is on standby. uneasiness and unwillingness come hand in hand, in my case the latter more powerful. the seemingly "big questions" of life, the ones with answers that hold the details of my future, make me uneasy and induce a sense of stubbornness in me. i worry because that's the way i was raised, and i'm stubborn because that's the way i was born. i'm worried that i'm stubborn and i'm stubborn because i don't want to worry. that makes some sense, right?

i just wanted to write tonight, and this confusing jumble of words is what came out. i really am happy and life is treating me quite well! my inspiration to write again came from reading old posts and seeing how i've changed so much and not changed at all.

a year in review

2011-03-30T13:26:00.000-07:00

i like to think that coonridge (goat farm in the middle of nowhere) is my buffer. my quarantine. my halfway house. i've done my stint in canada, the east coast, and all the driving i could ever hope for through the midwest plains. but now, one year after leaving the eastside I find myself hankering for a home. i'm back at coonridge learning how to live in a home and do homey things, like bake bread, so that i can ease my way into settling down (oh, for a year or so... who knows?) in fort collins, co. my mind is buzzing with where i can buy the best rennet and cheese culture, free horse manure from greeley, whole wheat flour for good-for-you bread... relaxing on a PORCH! oh how exciting!

because i never really updated my blog, as i had initially planned, here is my year abbreviated:

i left bishop on march 4th. if any of you know me you'll realize that the "4th" was not my ideal date, however for some reasons i can't even remember i was driving through westgard on the 4th headed to red rocks and beyond. last spring was spent mostly in the high, red colored desert. nevada & utah, specifically. to recover from a battered and exhausted body i spent a month farmin', goatin', growin', cheesin' my way though the confused season of june... (is it spring? is it summer? is it sprummer?) come summer i headed north to squishy, i mean squamish... and landed in coloradie via yellowstone and the tetons. WOW, what a trip... thanks to my sidekick/beaver. (and now i pick up from where i left off on my last blog entry.) finally the season for east coast sandstone arrived and i headed to... (drum roll please) DELAWARE. wtf? ok, so i decided that since goats were so cool i'd try my hand at a sheep farm. well, sheep are cool. but still doesn't beat the character of a stubborn ol' goat. the two lessons i took away from spending a couple of weeks in DE: 1.not all small organic farms are successful and that is a harsh reality, and 2. L$... you are the most adorable, wonderful, free spirited friend! with the sheep curiosity satisfied i needed to head back west. except this time i was singing "country road" by john denver. west virginia = new river gorge = one of my top three favorite places to climb in america. sport chuffing and trad climbing a like, it's all spectacular in the nrg. apparently the bouldering is good too, but i didn't get a chance to try it out. (favorite climb? hands down: the legacy). it was hard to leave, but yes... i had to sacrifice some time to give the red a chance. well, it took a couple of weeks to get used to the red and in the end i can definitely see it's appeal. not bad. but really... besides a handful of stunning lines, at the end of the day i was psyched on miguels pizza. ok, maybe because i don't climb 5.13 i couldn't really appreciate the red. maybe next year. hah. after a month or so of rope climbing i was hankering for some farm action... and oh! how convenient! the hog farm i decided to work on was a mere 45 minutes from the LRC and rocktown. hogs are rude, but tasty, so i appreciate them in their stinky and squealy glory. if you scratch a pig behind their ears they love it... and it makes their meat taste really good ;) i got to spend thanksgiving with a small farming family in georgia... dressing = stuffing, NOT the stuff you put on your salad, btw. tenenssee/georgia was lovely and rocktown is really fun, especially if you like slopey, desperate, mantle top outs. i regrettably never made it to the T-wall... major BUMMER!! but now i have a reason to head back. it started getting cold in the south east and my wimpy californian ass made a bee-line to HUECO! sunny tank top climbing weather lends itself to more smiles and more sending. Hueco was a big deal for me climbing wise, i did my first two V7's and quickly did some 6's and 5's. And now, here I am... one year later... on March 3rd 2011 i headed back to my beloved goats. between all that driving, to and fro, i've been back to the bay and my beloved eastside a handful of times... and regardless of where i decide to lay my ever changing roots i see myself living on the eastside. someday. ok, so that wasn't so abbreviated. woops.

i've been here at coonridge for a few weeks now and will be for another. i haven't climbed much and i'm getting a little more round, but i can bake some tasty bread! life had been revolving around birthing baby goats. i've seen over 40 goats give birth and even helped out on a few. i've smiled, cried, panicked, and just sat back to watch the show. the beauty of birth and the ugly side of dairies exposed itself to me. what happened to all the baby bucks that were born? well, they don't grow up to make milk do they? so they ended up as pig food and choice organ parts were spread out on the table floured and fried up for an afternoon snack. again, if you know me... of course i ate the brains! not bad.

bread is done, time to eat! i leave you with a beautiful photo of banana split, the kid i pulled out and introduced to our world!

fear

2010-09-30T20:00:00.000-07:00

i meant to type the word "fear" but i typo-ed it out to be "far." and then i meant to write the word "word" but i typed work. four days of driving alone and completely sustained on coffee and old packs of ramen will make a mess of you. a shaky, malnourished, cross eyed mess. or maybe i meant to muse on how "far" i've come, literally and figuratively. and maybe i am yearning for work... who knows? i do. but i just don't know it yet.

to the point of this strange entry (maybe)... on my drive out east i got to see the midwest. i got to smell the cornfields and talk to some genuinely nice however, concerned, folk. i got a lot of the same two questions: "what is a girl from california doing out here?!" and "aren't you afraid?" two very valid questions with two very uncertain answers. firstly, i am in terre haute, IN or pataskala, OH because it is on the way to the Delware. at least that's what i tell them and for the most part it is true. so i guess that particular answer is not uncertain. and secondly, to answer the question regarding fear, yes and no. no at first... but once the question is asked and i let my mind wander i get a little scared. but really, what scared me the most was that this question was on everyones tongue. and most of the time it was one of the first things out of their mouth. i'm poking along the highway, drinking my mickey d's coffee, and camping out... am i doing something that should grant fear? apparently so. it makes me uncomfortable and a little fearful when everyone (and when i say "everyone" i mean the 3 or so people i encounter at a gas station or the campground) is suggesting that it is something that is so common and so obvious.

i guess i took it to heart and to an all too personal of a level. i kept thinking about fear... and i may have over did it. on my drive i went from fearing the dinosaur like giraffes in my dreams that were attacking my car to fearing huge semis zooming by me and spraying my windshield with a blinding sheet of water to fearing the idea of having no plan whatsoever post "mission: east cost." yep... first two probably worth fearing. that last one?.... uhh..

i've thought about it, it being fear. (could you tell?) and i could fear a lot of things... but why waste the energy and thought into it? well, because it is a survival trait. duh! and really, drawing the line between necessary and un-necessary fear is not at all thin. it will be a long time before i can trust river water above my knees and i will drive 10 below the speed limit if i can't see anything. those are black and whites for me. but fearing the future? fearing being alone? or fearing making the wrong decisions? those i think i should be able to do without. but how do you erase that uncertainty? wow, now i'm delving into another heavy word: uncertainty. well, in my world it goes hand in hand with fear. all i know is that there is plenty of negativity associated with fear and uncertainty, but what i fail to keep in mind is that i fear ideas like the future because they are completely open to me! and that is quite the positive thought. my future is not set in stone, i'm not going to be married off like my grand mother or sent to work in the cornfields of middle america. i'm alive, i'm pretty darn happy and i have to ability to change things. if i am scared or uncertain i can change my path or change myself.

i'm glad that i was asked if i was scared by strangers. it makes sense... i'm a young woman traveling by myself in a puny civic. i'm not trying to belittle my sex or anything... it's just a strange sight in pataskala, OH. it reminds me that i can't trust everyone and unfortunatly there are people and things out there to fear, naturally... however it reminds me that i have a very special opportunity. and i am so very lucky to be able to just pick a place on a map and drive to it to see it, be in it, and breathe it. in bishop or boulder or any other vagabond infested place my trip might seem kind of lame... but in pataskala, OH i feel so very far from lame.

"california, i'm coming home"

2010-07-21T10:39:00.000-07:00

i was driving on a boulder highway with the windows down and the hot air swishing in and out of my car when my ipod shuffled to joni mitchell's "california." i felt her high pitched young voice sing to me... it was time to go home. it had been 5 months on the road and away from "home." i loved boulder and the rocky mountains were breathtaking (literally), but california was calling. the excitement of peeking over westgard pass to see the sierra was waiting.

re-WIND!
mission: indian creek, mission: oklahoma, and mission: goat farm were all done and over with (at least for this season)... so i decided to go ahead with mission: colorado. i started off with spending a few days in albuquerque unwinding and getting used to society after a month on the farm. i met an amazing woman, kita, on the farm and we quickly became great friends... we spent hours talking and discussing life, people, religion, values etc. finally, i had to leave the comforts of her home and company and i drove through northern new mexico and witnessed the beauty of the jemez mountains during a thunder storm. i made it up to taos and checked out the scene and got some great beta on a lovely camping spot on a ridge just above the rio grande. miles later i ended up at the great sand dunes in colorado, had a nice picnic and headed to boulder!

boulder boulder boulder... not bad i admit! it started off great, i got to spend some time with my good friend britanny and we biked in the pouring rain and watched an amazing fireworks show (happy 4th!). then it rained some more. it rained and rained and rained... at least it felt like it was raining for days. it probably only rained for 2-3 days... so i took the time to explore the flatirons, check out the new climbing gym, cook delicious food, browse the farmers market and get to know the lovely people who let me crash in their abode for two weeks. once the sun started shining i was blessed to be able to climb in boulder canyon, eldorado canyon, dream canyon, flagstaff mtn, and hike around rocky mountain national park!!! highlight climb of the trip: bastille crack and hiking longs peak in rmnp. i even got to do some jigging and funky dancing while in boulder! all in all i got to CLIMB, spend time with good folk with GUMPTION, meet interesting people, and best of all i smiled a lot :):):)

now, back to joni mitchell. back to driving... i left boulder happy and content but with the intention of coming back. i decided to treat myself to a night at some wicked heady hot springs! halfway between boulder and bishop lay mystic hot springs... a lovely, inexpensive little get away in the middle of nowhere utah. i soaked for about 2 minutes when the thunderhead i was watching decided to come right over me. i figured sitting in a metal tub full of hot spring water was a bad idea... so i made friends with some cook chicks at the campground and traded goat cheese for tie dying lessons! we ended up tie dying under a porch, watching the thunderstorm and pouring rain, and listening to the grateful dead... TYPICAL! nonetheless it was a great way to spend my birthday and i walked away with a cool new shirt and new friends!

i arrived in bishop last night and must say it is great to be back, if only for a few days. i realized that being in a familiar place and visiting good friends is healthy for the heart and soul. now i'm back at the black sheep sipping on some coffee and eating the delicious quiche that i've missed so dearly. as per usual i'll probably be here all morning... then it's off to climb. of course :)

and now i leave you with a lovely picture of me and sunny on the summit of longs peak. i think the elevation got to us a bit...

goaties!!!

2010-06-10T20:16:00.000-07:00

yum. my shorts were purple and are now brown from who knows what, and i reek of goat shit. BUT! i know that when i walk out of the kitchen and into the barn i will be greeted with big fluffy wagging tails thumping the ground and the sight of momma goats and baby goats cuddling and nuzzling.

i am currently taking a hiatus from climbing and traveling and working on a goat farm. it has been something that i have wanted to do for quite some time now and was not planning until this winter... but an opportunity i could not pass up came and i snatched it. what do we do here on the farm? well, we wake up and drink coffee of course. it's important to start the day off calm, peaceful, and satiating any addictions we might have. in my case it's coffee. then it's off the feed the pigs, feed the bucks, feed the babies, and feed the preggos and new mommas. finally 8 am rolls around and it's time to do the fun and frustrating task of separating the mommas and the babies so that we can proceed to milk milk milk! the babes are crafty little squirmy things that like to run away from you when you want to catch them but love to nibble on your hair, clothes, skin etc... when you just stand there. so after a few hrs of milking it's time to eat again. we eat a lot on this farm. it's part of staying energized, healthy and happy... and i'm beginning to realize that it is those three things that are vital to sending positive vibes in all directions.

anyways, enough mundane prose describing day to day activities. it's much better to experience interactively :)

everyday i think about how much i learn about myself, others, goats, farming, etc... it can be as simple as discovering the healing powers of pinyon trees or as eye opening as the task of cracking open walnut shells. it is when one must sit patiently to separate the shell from the meat of a walnut that one finds appreciation, at least i did. i wanted to put walnuts in with my dinner, out here stuff doesnt come packaged and ready to eat. if you want walnuts you shell them. if you want tortillas you get out the flour and heat up a pan. if you want eggs you go to the barn and put yourself in a chickens shoe and think: "now if i were a chicken hiding eggs where would i put them?" if you want cabbage or tomatoes you grow them. the list goes on... this fact of life out here also makes you work slower and think a bit more about what you are doing. sitting patiently and quietly shelling walnuts is not only going to provide delicious things to put in your mouth but it provides an opportunity to be meditative. you are forced to sit quietly (or not) and let your mind wander wherever it wishes. that is the beauty of it all. the simplicity kills me at how lovely everything symbiotically works! it's a win win in the most beneficial way!

...and at the end of the day i crawl into bed and i am thankful, happy, contently tired, stinky, and smiling... for my dreams have already become taken over by goats!

where am i?

2010-05-28T15:44:00.000-07:00

finally, an update! well first off, i no longer live in bishop and i no longer work. so i can scratch that off the subtitle in my blog title.

i also no longer have a place i call home. however, i have been able to call various places my home in the past few months. first, the dirt parking lot of moe's valley in st. george utah... then on the side of the road near weird creepy oil rig pumpy things at joe's valley... and finally creek pasture campground in indian creek. creek pasture was home for a while, enough time to move into and out of three different campsites. Also enough time to get psyched on the creek and finally bored of the creek, "over it" so to speak. well, at least for this season. my body couldn't take it anymore and alas motivation was very low, so where did i end up as soon as i packed up my sandy life? colorado of course. just a few miles to the east and i'm spending quality time with my sunshine monkey (sunny sawyer).

no, unfortunately i did not get to do any climbing. rain and snow were quite bountiful. but i did get my fill of life in the big bad extreeemeee! city of boulder, co. and after about 24 hours i was again "over it." i'll have to give boulder a second chance (come july) but this particular trip was focused on checking out the climbing scene, going shopping at whole foods (i wandered the place for at least two hours) and talking about life in my car with sunny as (ironically) snow and clouds covered us. finally, after my fill of urbanism i left to gleefully and swiftly enter the midwest. culture shock? yes. uncomfortable staring at my asian-ness and caifornia plates? yes. quality time spent with kenyon? yes.

a whole month came and went and so did kenyon, to south africa that is. i considered going but quickly remembered that i initially left bishop to savor solitude and explore THIS country. at times i regret this decision but it is one that i made and can not change. i found a goat farm in new mexico and instantly clicked with the owner of the farm. the interaction and prospect of opportunity presented itself so well i could not pass up the offer... and most importantly i had something to focus on! i had been missing that so dearly and to know that i am actually doing something that i had hoped for when i planned this trip is very gratifying. simply said... milking these goats, eating their bounty and living amongst their junipers will be great. GREAT!

it smells of rain and as i turn around in the coffee shop to look out the window i see glistening streets and rain gently falling. (there goes my plans of evening bouldering). instead i guess i will run. read. eat and sleep. stretch and if it rains hard enough take a shower.

a few paragraphs later i remember that i was supposed to write in my blog about loneliness. i sat amongst some deliciously smelling pine trees this morning and mused about my loneliness and solitude, and out of my fingers came a pretty insightful essay. i guess i will copy it out another day. a few more days of being alone should add a bit more meat to my thoughts. and so i conclude... peace love and happiness to all!

ramblings from a sudden bout of insomnia

2010-01-07T01:44:00.000-08:00

it's 1:30am and i am struck with the inability to let my mind rest and sleep.

i can contently say that life has been treating me well as of late. there are no complaints or regrets. it has been less difficult, lately, for me to embrace the ups and downs of every day. i feel like i am swiftly going through the motions of whatever it takes to make it through my last two months in bishop on a positive note. bottom line- i want to get strong. strong in will, strong in heart, strong in body, and strong in mind. new years resolution?... decade resolution?... general life resolution?... gain strength.

today my heart wrenched for a friend. the kind that says: "i ate a papaya so good it made me want to cry." that's the kind of friend i need. the kind i value. the kind i miss.

i want to send out positive vibes and good lovin' so here goes... have peace. have life. and have love.

forward ever backward never

2009-11-17T01:10:00.000-08:00

What a way to live. It’s ironic and quite contradictory to write about how I miss all that was familiar and all that was comfortable and then to turn around and face the idea of “forward ever backward never.” It seems as though I swirl through emotions as fleetingly as the days pass me by. And that’s the thing, the days are passing me by and the last thing I want to feel is regret. Regret for something I didn’t say or consider. Regret for something I didn't think or do. SO! We can rely on the fundamental idea that the only thing you can do—to keep sane—is to move forward and learn… rather than sulk from failures of the past. Soak up knowledge from first hand experience, the best source. Reflect in a positive fashion, revel in music that inspires feeling and thought, walk into the night, strive towards something genuinely worth reaching. Embrace and nurture loving friendships. I know that everything will be okay because right now I am smiling. I am smiling for Hope. Opportunity. Ease of mind. The Future. The Unknown.

missing the familiar

2009-11-16T00:42:00.000-08:00

smoking cloves and wandering the streets of davis
baby giraffe and mamma tiger
ARC rockwall
late night AM/PM nacho runs
fluffy doughnuts at 5AM
berry nut trail mix, dried bananas, and made to order sandwiches from the food co-op
pooka and jackson
cube shaped bean bags at danny, alex and alejo's
"whatever it takes!"
"i'll be there" karaoke
mistle toe kisses
"slow dancing in a burning room" and "bitter pill"
moulin rouge sing a longs
sybill
long walks at night with my boo
amtrak ride home
12+ hrs marathons at PJ the library nook
early morning swimming with my beaver and monkey
coffee house coffee, baked goods and oatmeal
biking
delta venus mexican hot chocolate
pink night at little prague
meeting at the fountain
wednesday night yoga and frozen yogurt
drake drive
24hr room
fort-a-palooza
sleeping on the quad
cafe roma
crepeville potatoes
farmers market
tomato harvest
... and best of all sitting under a bus stop with the soul friend and POURING rain on us

ticking off my list

2009-10-03T00:12:00.000-07:00

i'm halfway done with the "to do" list i made for myself a little over a month ago. today, i cleanly lead a 5.11 rock climbing route. this is a pretty big step for me! one that breeches more of a mental block than a physical one. i CAN climb 5.11... so therefore i should be able to lead them too. practicing focus, will power, and brain endurance these past few weeks have been fruitful in my climbing endeavors.

what else did i tick off recently? i climbed bear creek spire. i talked to my dad. i haven't had a cigarette in 2 months. i was honest with someone i cared about.

yes, my list is dwindling. but i am still here. i am stagnant. i still feel a little lost. but, i have to realize that this list is just a list. i can't put too much effort into abiding by it, otherwise i'll lose sight as to why i began the list in the first place. if i do it, then i do it. if i don't, then i don't. the process of making the list was the most productive step in the whole "list" hooplah. it sparked me to be creative with aspirations that i don't usually think about. i allowed my brain to open up and really consider what makes me happy and what makes me grow... now, that was an exciting feeling.

a rant- progress aside.

2009-09-22T20:32:00.000-07:00

a completely life unrelated rant... that somehow completely relates to life.

i am sitting here in the sticks of nevada waiting for the next day to start so that i can get up early, fix up some morning coffee, pack a lunch and make my way to a massive field of salt cedar. (for those of you who may not know salt cedar is a non-native invasive plant that chokes riversides... the virgin river in this particular case). i will then proceed to crawl into the thick grove. thick enough to say good riddance to sunlight. thick enough to have to throw my pack in ahead of me and crawl through. thick enough to get stuck and curse like hell as leaves fall down my shirt and stray branches stab my cheeks. i get to do all this in 100+ weather too. but i'm not alone. my co-workers feel this strange agony as well. it's not so bad... it's gratifying when you're done. it feels good when it's over. and heck, while you're actually doing it time flies, progress is made, and no one judges you when you break out in an uncontrollable fit of frustration cursing and breaking branches. yelling and growling at the plants that all seem to be acting against you. they're hooking onto your hat so that hair gets pulled. grabbing at your pack so that you can't move. ripping your shirt sleeves. spraying dust into your face so that breathing tastes like dirt. smearing a sweaty, salty, dusty layer of muck into the folds of your neck. it's okay though... to yell. it's okay to be expressive in your frustration. they know. the people you're with might burst into a fit of their own at the drop of a hat. it's all understood. and that's the beauty of it... when else can you yell "WHAT THE FUCK YOU MOTHER FUCKING COCK SUCKING PIECE OF SHIT BRANCH GOD DAMMNIT!" and have: one- someone understand completely what is wrong and leave you to revel in your own pile of stink, and two- the feeling of frustration dissipate as soon as you are done yelling and able to crawl on.

and then...

the sun is shining in the western skies, 500 some odd meters sampled and surveyed, 7 give or take a few freak outs later and you're done (for this 24 hour cycle at least). relaxing in the river. basking in the truck's AC. gorging on some ice cream. or just sitting and doing nothing on the deck. it's strange how doing something you think is extremely ridiculous can bring upon the simple feeling of satisfaction. strange, yet beautiful. simple, yet enough.

summer break is over

2009-08-22T23:45:00.000-07:00

july and most of august has been a much needed month of respite from whatever was bogging down my mind for the past 6 months. it has been fun and sweet. it has been careless. it has been full of days that don't involve worrying about the future. however, i realize that i have been finding refuge in a fake dream world and to my surprise have neglected the personal, meaningful aspects of life. tonight, i've decided, is the end of my brains summer vacation. it is now time to listen to my conscience, put things back into perspective, and make some sense of myself.

i will go back out into the field optimistically (because that's the only way to get through doing something you loathe). i will get dirty, and i will thankfully reacquaint myself with the desert... because ultimately the desert has an overwhelming way of giving you a sense of freedom.

picking your battles

2009-06-25T12:06:00.000-07:00

it is very challenging to separate and distinguish what to care about, what to let go, what to change and what to keep. it's easy and almost comforting to believe that things "happen for a reason" and instead of being proactive we can just let things happen to us. on a shallow level i do believe it, fate does in fact have a way of teaching us and making us change. however, things happen for a reason because we make them happen. simply, i am living the life that i am because i chose it and i can very well pick a different path to follow. with this mind set shouldn't it be easy to choose something as simple as happiness? shouldn't it be easy to get over petty problems and free yourself from negative thoughts? if so... then why do i dwell on the past, something that can not be changed, or dwell on the present, something that should just be accepted?

lately, i've been picking the wrong battles. i have created internal battles that are not helpful and more toxic than anything. it is time to change that and i am trying to figure out how. i love living here but it could be as complicated as leaving this place, leaving my comfort zone once again and seeking a way to do something worthy. or as simple as settling here... probably not.

it's may already?

2009-05-16T19:13:00.000-07:00

time has flown by incredibly fast. the evenings of feeling miserably cold and huddling by the heater have gone, for now. the afternoons of desperately trying to climb while chasing the sun no longer exist. i have almost come full circle since moving here last june. it's hot again :) AND... it has been almost a year! a year since my life switched from school to "real life." however, i find it incredibly difficult to believe that "real life" is this life.

well, what is new? i'm feeling like a true desert rat, that's for sure. unfortunately, the feeling doesn't come from spending months climbing sand stone cracks and desert towers but from spending about 95% of my time sleeping in sand, dodging yuccas, plucking cholla spines out of my legs, keying out half dead water deprived flora, wearing 8 layers of sun block, damning the sun and wind, dreaming about ice cold water, putting on crusty socks every morning... the list goes on. and the other 5% of my life is devoted to climbing as much as possible in the eastern sierra and the unassuming mojave desert. BUT... alas! work has peeled me away from regular climbing and spending time in a place that i have grown to love... err... really like.

i wrote last summer that the smells here in bishop were not familiar. they were sweet and inviting, but not yet something that sparked a warm sense of comfort. it took almost a year, but i think i've found it. i think i've found a place that, if i had to, could stay for a while.

music in the living room

2009-03-20T12:32:00.000-07:00

a harmonica pierces through the living room and a shaker shakes... guitars resonate through my ears and i'm sitting back. relaxing. feeling warm and happy. it's sunny outside, i'm going climbing, i had my morning coffee, it's my day off... i can't really ask for more. my job is the shaker... hah. but i'm slacking right now so that i can remember this moment, keep it and lock it away. it's a simple thing really. that's the beauty of it. it just starts. someone picks up the guitar. someone whips out a harmonica from their back pocket. someone places a shaker in my hand. someone stomps their feet on the ground. someones starts to hum. then, people start to smile.

the desert is the best teacher there is

2009-02-15T14:06:00.001-08:00

some wise words courtesy of paulo coelho... i have found these quotes to be inspiring and quite intriguing. it's appropriate that i'm in this stage of life; a time to learn, a time to sit back and reflect, a time to look ahead with hope, and a time to enjoy.

"if you can concentrate always on the present, you'll be a happy man. you'll see that there is life in the desert, that there are stars in the heavens... life will be a party for you, a grand festival, because life is the moment we're living right now."

"the desert is the best teacher there is"

"if you pay attention to the present, you can improve upon it. and, if you improve on the present, what comes later will always be better... each day, in itself, brings with it an eternity."

"you will never be able to escape from your heart. so it's better to listen to what it has to say. that way, you'll never have to fear an unanticipated blow."

"there is only one thing that makes a dream impossible to achieve: the fear of failure."

"if there hadn't been a sixth day, man would not exist; copper would always be just copper, and lead just lead."

...good thing i'll be getting close and personal with the desert in the coming months.

i'm going to talk about climbing

2009-02-09T22:46:00.000-08:00

i've only been able to climb outside twice since i got back from mexico. it's a shame, really. one of the climbing days was a bad one and the other one was quite awesome. i'm not going to dwell on that particular bad climbing day... they happen. just as the good ones do too.

one big lesson that i took away from climbing in mexico was to believe in myself. i needed a little self confidence to get over the fear of leading (sport that is... trad is another story, another trip, another day). there are routes that i KNOW i can do and i'm learning how to not let my mental block stop me. so this is what i decided to say to myself every time i wanted to or even thought about backing away from a route: "just suck it up and do it already!!!" yes... i sound silly because i end up talking to myself half the time and while climbing, but so far... it's worked. before mexico i was reluctant to lead anything harder than a 5.9. yesterday, i onsighted a 10b,c and d! these are humble grades, but to me they represent a step in the right direction. up.

i'm jonesing!

2009-02-02T20:37:00.000-08:00

jonesing to climb. jonesing to run. to cook. to travel. to be free. to hike. to crochet. to get busy. to climb somewhere new. to climb with someone new. to just freakin climb!

i'm jonesing to write something worthy. i've been trying to write something that is interesting or at least thoughtful and i've had immense writers block. i just spent the last month climbing... and i don't have anything to say? bull shit! i have plenty to say but it just isn't flowing out of me. maybe some pictures? okay...

... climbing is just so much fun...

...and pretty pretty...

...and pretty cool...

... because sunsets and dusk are my favorite time of day...

...activity other than climbing...

... goodbye cerro gordo... i'll see you again...

well, i still feel the blockage of writing. so, i'm going to go read. let tomorrow come smoothly, happen thoughtfully, and leave full.

the obligatory new years resolutions...

2009-01-01T21:06:00.000-08:00

1. eat healthier and exercise more! it's a given...what year goes by without this one?
2. be selfless, give a little more
3. make some long term goals for the future and begin to follow them through (haha)
4. learn
5. make the most of everyday

well, the year started off pretty good. a week after christmas day i'm suddenly feeling the sentiment of the "holiday spirit." i could say it's a little too late but really it's not... if i can feel that melancholic familiar warmth on any given day then i should cherish it. i think that it just shows how special relationships with people you love are. it's not the holiday. it's not the winter nights. it's not the presents or the tree... it's the people. as long as you have each other and as long as you appreciate them it can always feel like the holidays. that's what i've learned. i think i'm off to a good start for the new year :)

this is what happens when you listen to sappy holiday music...

2008-12-29T00:25:00.000-08:00

i don't know what to write, i've sat here for the past 15 minutes trying to write something deep and worth reading/writing. there isn't much to update except that i'm generally having a pretty good time living life. yeah... it's not all rainbows and cute puppies... but i can't complain. i have a family that (despite being crazy and so good at driving me up the wall) loves me, friends that love me, a job that puts money in my bank account, good health etc... and all that good stuff.

OK what's really on my mind... the xmas holidays always seem to evoke a melancholic feeling in me. but this year it was different. xmas came and went with out too much of a thought. no tree this year, not even our ficus was decorated. no lights or decorations on the house. just the mindless routine of going to some family member's house, eating way too much food, shooting the shit with uncles i haven't seen since last xmas, and explaining over and over again where bishop is to someone who barely knows where yosemite is. it was slightly disconcerting that this season wasn't even melancholic... it was just another day. which i guess is true. well, happy new year folks. it's going to be 2009 and we're all going to look the same come january 1st.

btw... the fiddle is beautiful!

highlights of the late

2008-12-05T21:40:00.000-08:00

bishop--> bay area--> san diego--> bishop

driving through the mojave with "i wanna dance with somebody" by whitney houston BLASTING and singing at the top of my lungs. oh my gosh that was so much fun :)

swimming in the ocean and getting slammed by the waves. trying to body surf. getting high off life watching the sun set over the pacific.

heart to heart with the brother. sitting on the carpet and talking.

spending an evening catching up with old friends and old flames.

brain exploding with information about fire. unlimited coffee and breath mints.

wandering the streets of san diego, people watching, exploring the night life, poking fun at aweful cover bands.

listening to hip hop really loud so that i can stay awake in the car.

getting attacked with love by PooDookie and spooning after. waking up with a paw in my face and by best friend beside me :)

on the porch again...

2008-11-22T00:54:00.000-08:00

sitting on the porch with fresh air in my lungs, music in my ears, and hot tea in my lap is one of my favorite things to do. it is time for me... time to talk to good people and time to think to myself. i get to reminisce about the past and dream about the future, whether it is just tomorrow, 3 weeks or 3 years from now.

well, where will i be in 1 year? it will be fun to go back and read what i write now 1 year from now. i can say as much as: i'll probably be out of bishop, going on to my next adventure. learning more and experiencing more. india? nepal? oregon?... another small town in california? who knows...

i have had a lot of time to think these past few days. spending hours on end in a trailer in the middle of the desert by yourself will do that to ya... i miss my friends and family. i miss spending time with people who are familiar. i miss that warm feeling of vegging out on a couch crocheting and watching happy movies... sipping hot chocolate and munching on some fresh baked goods. i miss walking at night crunching through the frosty leaves and talking about... stuff, anything really. i miss cooking huge meals and singing to bad music at the top of my lungs. i miss cuddling up with pooka. i miss climbing with my old buddies. the list goes on.

... but along with everything that i miss i realize that all of that isn't really gone. i still have all of that. i still have those opportunities and the memories are still alive. it's hard to not focus on the past because it's always the good times that stick out... but when you really think about it there have been some pretty shitty times too. and to be able to look back and see that you've survived it all is quite hopeful. like i've said time and time before: people have come and gone in my life, hearts have been hurt, doubts have taken over, and everything in between... but life goes on regardless and things turn out okay in the end. knowing that is quite comforting, actually.

i have no idea where this rant came from. i guess sitting out on the porch does that to you...

the smells in bishop are now familiar.

my legs hurt from dancing

2008-11-04T21:57:00.000-08:00

las tortugas dance of the dead

holy shit... 4 days of music, fun, drugs, sex, and rock 'n roll... minus the drugs and sex. haha.

jam bands, bluegrass, country, blues, rock and roll, funk, jazz, reggae... you name it, they got it.

crazy costumes, rainy and wet, beautiful forest, music 'tll 4am, pot, fire, yum.

c'mon it was a damn hippie fest for goodness sake! what do you expect...

i've decided that dancing to funky jazz is my favorite type of dancing. and that dancing is great exercise, and that moving with the beat of music is good for the soul :)

'till next year turtles... 'till next year.

hot cocoa and a fire

2008-10-12T20:27:00.000-07:00

It seems like just a few weeks ago it was blazing hot in the afternoon sun… wait, it really was. And it seems like just last week the aspens were turning and fall was on its way… yep that happened too. And yet last night it was 29 degrees outside. That week of autumn was great… Winter has barged right in, hit me in my numb face and froze my feet off. The mountains are snow capped, the boulders are like big blocks of ice and the crisp cold air is filled with burning fireplaces. I can see my breath in my room but out here in the…uh… foyer (no longer can I bask in the warmth of the summer porch) the cold is cut by the warm fire our little fern made for us. It’s crackling, hissing and glowing… and feels so so good. But I’m still in my down jacket, long johns and wool socks.

Heh! Wasn’t it just a few days ago we were waiting for the “perfect conditions” to go climbing? It was too hot… boo hoo. Well, let me tell you… the weather is freaking cold now! Who the hell climbs when they can’t even feel their fingers? What kind of crazy mongrels would put their digits through such pain and agony? Besides yours truly, it seems as though everyone and their mothers come to the east side. My days of running from the sun, seeking the shaded routes and being the only one at the buttermilks are gone... For now. They will leave, we’ll get our rocks back… and pick up their cigarette butts, beer cans and dog shit, and wipe off their god damn tick marks! Okay… I’m done with being a snob.

It’s official. Bishop will be my home for another year. It’s comforting yet still very scary to wrap my mind around the concept of actually living here. I’ve become accustomed to considering this job and this lifestyle as a type of extended summer vacation. Not quite reality or a real life, really. It’s just been a whirlwind of happenings that I was able to get lost in. I’m not referring to “lost” as in no direction, but “lost” as in bouncing around with not much of a worry. Pretty soon I’ll have to consider this experience as a real job, get my shit together and focus… because I’ll need to so that I can stay in tip top toxicology shape! That is the price I have to pay so I can say NO to 9 to 5, 5 days a week in a lab dousing little brine shrimp with polluted affluent water. I delved deep and thought hard… I came to the conclusion that I still need to fuck up a few more times and make some more mistakes. I need to explore my options because right now is the time to be wrong and know it’s okay. Right now is prime learning time. And what better way to pursue that than to work with lovely people, an open and willing office, knowledgeable bosses/coworkers who offer a vast range of opportunity, and endless rocks just outside the door?

I was told that whatever decision I make: stay in bishop, move on etc… will be a good one. There is really no bad options… they are just vastly different. And that is so true. What is one year?... that’s no time at all. That is just a quarter of what college was. And how fast did college fly by? Damn fast. Heck… 6 months since I took this job and moved out here has almost passed. One year is one year… I can’t spend too much energy focusing on that far into the future. What’s important is now because right now is happening.

my 2 cents...

2008-10-02T21:32:00.000-07:00

one of my biggest fears is settling into something, then getting bored and wanting more. having stability yet still being stimulated is difficult to maintain and being satisfied versus wanting more is a delicate balance that is hard to achieve. i think that it is good to want nothing and to be happy with what one already has. however, wanting more is a key feeling that propels action... action to make things happen. wanting is the cause of change and change is often an aspect of life that one learns the most from.

one philosophy that i have yet to master or even really put into practice, but truly believe in, is to live for today and live it full.

it smells like rain

2008-09-10T17:42:00.000-07:00

it seems as though i have a theme of scent going along with this blog type thing. i can't help it... smells are so key in triggering my memories, feelings and ideas. i was washing the dishes today and reminiscing about the past few days. it started to rain and get windy... rain in bishop? weird. the wet air reminded me of how quickly the autumn is coming and quickly the summer is leaving. the first smell of rain reminds me of halloween, starting school again, breaking out the winter wear and putting away the shorts and tank tops. it reminded me of drinking hot chocolate and wearing my galoshes. i miss those memories, for sure, but the prospect of making new and extremely different ones is exciting.

aside from the scent theme of this blog, it seems as though the theme of life here in bishop so far has been something like: "goddamn how did i get to be so lucky? and why is my life so good?"

not bad huh?

aside from the normal and inevitable twists and turns of life, the comings and goings of loved ones, and the desire for what is comfortable i'd have to say that life has been pretty god damn good. a few nights ago i came back from a little evening bouldering to a huge home cooked meal consisting of a delicious steak, mashed potatoes, corn salad etc... all prepared by the boys of the house. we sat around a home baked pie and went on for hours about how good life was. how dare the usgs force us out into the mountains to go backpacking and get paid! how dare my boss make us take a mandatory day off to go climbing. how dare they supply us with a sweet house?! it is preposterous! the NERVE!

honestly, how did i get so lucky as to find such a great job with such great people? this past weekend is a testament to how awesome everything comes together. a short day of work led to a late afternoon rope swing/swimming hole session followed by evening bouldering and then delicious food and great company (indluding our hilarious land lord). then the weekend began with a trip out to the mountains for a full day of climbing and an evening in lee vining for hours of crazy dancing, delicious food, amazing music, and a night adventure to remember... which included driving around the desrt looking for hot springs, almost running out of gas and laying out in the freezing cold at 2am huddled together staring at the crystal clear starry sky. a miserable scrunched up session of 4 people pretending to sleep in one car ended day one. then up bright and early the next day to finally find the hot springs, eat a massive breakfast and go climbing alllllll freaking day again.

and monday begins... with a trio backpacking trip from devils postpile to tuolome meadows. done in less than two days. damn... it has been good. time for rest and relaxation, then off to vegas for soil sampling during the day and climbing in the evening... of course. red rocks here i come!

it gets better.... ;)

new smells

2008-07-16T21:40:00.000-07:00

the new smells of bishop confuse me. they are just that, new. they don't have an association with thoughts, memories or anything personal at all. the smells are musty and hot, like davis. but at the same time not at all like davis. i was biking along the outskirts of town today and i got a whiff... it hit me, just then. the scent of dried grass and the hot dirt road filled my nose and i had nothing, no emotion associated with it. maybe a little curiosity. most peculiarly, the smell was no different than any other dried grassy field. you know that smell. in davis it always smelled good. in the berkeley hills it always smelled good too. i would get ready for what was about to happen when that smell came by me. take a deep breath, inhale with all your/my might, smile, hold it in a little bit and finally exhale with true and intangible satisfaction. so simple and yet so beautiful. it smelled warm and it smelled familiar. it smelled of hay, stale water, happiness and sunny afternoons.

smells mysteriously do that to you. one whiff and you're transported to another time. a memory perhaps. a nap on the quad or in the arboretum during the lazy spring quarter. good times had with friends, or a brisk shuffle to class in the davis winter, or a few hours spent warm at cafe roma (when it was still there).

i absolutely love how smells carry that much power. for now the smells here in bishop are empty. over time, maybe, they will build and grow into something familiar. i wonder how long it might take and when i will realize it.

mono update

2008-07-11T18:17:00.000-07:00

out in mono county. don't have too much time to write. very very dirty. no river or lake to bathe in today.

lots of field work in the bodie hills. learning about plants. head explode. having fun. good company. hot. sweaty. many biting insects. itchy ITCHY!!!

last night we went into town and to the local mobile mart where this really cool band, the trespassers, were jamming out. cool bluegrass country dance type stuff. yay! got to dance! haha.

live band + happy people + crazy dancing + beer i enjoy=awesome night.

been here since monday, staying till next thursday.

on a more depressing note (more like the real world unfortunately) bad news from home. going back when field work is done. or sooner. ahh.

a week of "firsts"

2008-07-03T21:35:00.001-07:00

first trip out to the fields.
first time climbing locally.
first taste of few worries.
first week in bishop.

i'm sitting here on the front porch at the house in bishop. it's a warm evening, there is a nice breeze and i'm listening to music REALLY loud... couldn't ask for a better set up.

i just spent the day climbing and exploring the mountains, then i biked over to the local grocery store for some shoppin, gorged on good food, and chatted with good people . now i'm basking in my stink and winding down the day with a little bit of relaxation. i guess i'll just start off with describing the past few days. i spent some time by whitney portal and did field work with the research teams. essentially my first "field trip." only a few words are needed to describe what it was like: camping, beer, fire, hiking, fishing and plants. it's hard to believe i'm getting paid for this. i've been so spoiled with my jobs... then: getting paid to climb and to teach people to climb; and now: getting paid to hike, camp and count/sample plants. this is the life :)

other than work things this new town are definitely looking up. looking up both figuratively and literally... into the mountains. it's a bit smoky right now but going up to the higher elevations is... um... freakin awesome. i explored the rock creek area today. it had been a while since i've climbed so it was really nice to get out there. i definitely got my ass kicked and my mental state calibrated for climbing. good shit. also, met some cool people... i must say, climbers are such nice people. i love it. aside from the trip into the cooler and higher elevation areas it was really nice to be able to just live. this is where the "first taste of few worries" comes from. for once i can spend a break or a weekend not worrying about exams or work that needs to be done, or about finding a job and what i am going to do for the rest of my life. yes, i do still need to keep the long term future in the back of my mind... but for now things are fine, steady and happy.

all in all, i like it here in bishop. i can sit in a coffee shop and just hang out, just like what i'm used to in davis. i can go climbing within a 10 minute drive or be in the mountains, which is new and definitely not like davis... but i can definitely embrace this change. i can even walk around town and recognize people already! however, i can not go grocery shopping or do anything down town past 9pm- but i guess i can handle that ;)

What does tomorrow bring? probably going on a hike or exploring some new climbing areas. then, a nice little july 4th BBQ at the house with all the bossmen/coworkers and their significant others. like i said, this is the life.

my new home.

2008-06-26T22:00:00.000-07:00

i figure that since i like writing and since i like people i'll start a blog to keep me connected. connected with both myself and those who care enough to read... i'll use this blog to document new adventures. life here in bishop. life on the east side. life in the real world? no, this can't be it.

well, first full day here and what have i accomplished? i managed to meet some climbers, exchange contact info and hopefully get some partners in the process. i've also managed to wander the town, do some yoga, sit in a coffee shop... i can't complain really.

i'll have more interesting stories (hopefully) as the weeks and months progress-i just wanted to kick this off nicely. off to bed, first day in the field tomorrow :)